My favorite days in October are as follows:
October 17: My first Tegan and Sara concert (in 2008)
October 18: Robyn's birthday
October 27: Meeting Tegan and Sara in person (in 2009)
October 28: Me and Joseph becoming an official couple!!!
I'm still in shock!
It started off as an elaborate joke for my cousin, and now it's real, and craziest of all, WE'RE ENGAGED!!!!
Seems sudden, right? Wrong! Besides the song angel from my voice class, this has been the longest pursuit I have ever had.
I've known Joe for 2 years now, and I've always liked him because he breaks the mold in originality for me.
He only tries to be himself, and nothing more. He's also very opinionated and extremely sarcastic... like me!
It's funny because even though I've tried on more than one occasion to be acknowledged and seen by him, he only noticed me when I was myself, and all my insecurities were in the open.
Now that I'm with him, I couldn't possibly see how my life would be without him. I love him so much, I have considered the impossible... kids!
I know, right?
But he would make a great dad, and I would want to give him the family he always wanted.
I've always heard that opposites attract, but he is completely different from the type of guy I saw myself with.
He's shorter than me, he's 3 years younger than me, and he has no musical talents whatsoever, but when he sings to me I fall for him all over again!
Yes, I am in love, and it's literally making me go crazy, because for the last 3 weeks I haven't been able to function without him.
I also love his family like they were my own. His 2 brothers, mom and stepdad are everything to me... especially his mom.
He makes me want to sing every love song at once.
Here are some of my favorite music quotes that has to do with love:
"My heart's beating, can't you hear it? If I'm the music, you're my lyrics." ~J. Holiday Be With Me
"And when I hear you on the radio, I'd never wanna change a single note
It's what I tried to say all along, You're my favorite song" ~Demi Lovato You're My Favorite Song
"Baby you and me we're just so good together, look at how we harmonize. [Boy] we're like the perfect melody that keeps getting better, we can stand the test of time." ~Musiq Greatestlove
Just a few for now...
I need to concentrate in my class right now, but I knew I couldn't until I shared this feeling!
Later!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Anywhere But Here...
You won't even believe this crazy story I have for you today...
I just wish that it was crazy in a good way, instead of... well just tell me your thoughts:
Lately I've been feeling lonely. I get bored easily with the mundane, and without me working or going to school, there's just not enough for me to do to fill the time that I don't use sleeping.
I don't like a lot of company, but when I want it, I want it.
I asked a friend of mine to come over Monday so we can work on some music together. But before he came over, I wanted to confirm with my mother that it was ok to have company.
She said that she really didn't want me to have company, and that I was having a lot of people come through the house lately. That was a complete fallacy because the only person I had over there came over on a Saturday, and the 2 times before that, I went to their house!
Anyway, I didn't see the big deal for two reasons:
1. She always makes statements about me walking alot on my feet, and how she "disapproves".
2.She sleeps during the daytime because she works at night!
In case inquiring minds were wondering, The music we were going to work on is electronic; there would be no noise because it's all coming through headphones!
I didn't feel like arguing, and at the time I wasn't really upset, so I decided that I was just going to cancel, and hang out over another friend's house.
Meanwhile, my sisters both stay home from school Monday, and they wanted to watch movies and lounge around the house.
I said "OK" but I still was going to go through with my plans with my other friends afterward.
The middle sister wanted me to stay and cancel on them, but I told her that I didn't want to do that because i wanted to get out of the house!
So basically she cops an attitude, and after she returns home, the movies we were going to watch were still on the counter; untouched.
So I didn't know what her plans were... was she going to still watch them? was she angry, so she was going to watch them later? So I didn't ask questions because after the attitude I basically didn't care.
She comes to my room a little while later, and asks was I still going to watch the movies? I said yes, and that she just needed to tell me when she was ready...
From there we argued about whether or not I should have known to immediately go into the living room to watch the movie!
Of course since we were both irritated I declined watching the movies, and just left for my friend's house earlier than planned.
I stayed there all afternoon and evening, and then they walked me back home around midnight.
No calls from anyone asking where i was, or anything. (Not that I cared)
My friends and I decided to get up super early to take care of business at the Social Services Department. Now I'm up at the crack of dawn on my mother's bike to get my life situated. As I was pedaling, one of the pedals came off the bike, and needed a nut to keep it in place! Imagine how frustrating it is to try to steer your bike with only one pedal!
I was closer to my friend's house than mine, so I went there because I knew that they had the tools I needed. Anyway because of unforeseen circumstances we didn't make it today.
So here's where the story changes.
My friend's mom receives a text from my aunt asking if I was there and that my family was "concerned" about me! Ha! (Remember, I didn't receive ANY calls from anyone in my family within the last 20 or so hours!
Come to find out through my family's superior gossip network line that I was thought to have never came home last night because they didn't see me when they went to bed or when they woke up!
Now I BLATANTLY left clues to mark my return home... For example:
1. My room was spotless when I left; I left my pjs on my bed and dirty socks on the floor.
2. There was a Diabetic Supplement drink in the fridge, so I drank it, and left the container on the clean counters (I'm the only diabetic in the house).
3. I took my mother's bike out of the garage.
And the most important clue of all:
4. I opened the side door for the dogs, cleaned up their poop, fed them and gave them water!
Now why didn't they figure out that I was there? There was no one else there but my sisters, and they know THEY didn't do that stuff... so who did????
I swear they don't think! Even "Blue's Clues" teach you to pay attention to your surroundings! lol
All-in-all it has been a very frustrating day for me! Unnecessary drama and assumptions because of lack of communication! Yeah, it was my fault too, but I'm not going to give out info just because... If you don't ask, I won't tell.
I'm officially too through, and need to get out of this binding situation fast...
I am closely approaching insanity, and need to fix this jumbled mess of a life and make a clear path for me, and me alone.
I'm tired of people interfering with my happiness. I deal with a lot of bull on a regular basis; I all want to achieve is independence and happiness... Is that too much to ask?
I just wish that it was crazy in a good way, instead of... well just tell me your thoughts:
Lately I've been feeling lonely. I get bored easily with the mundane, and without me working or going to school, there's just not enough for me to do to fill the time that I don't use sleeping.
I don't like a lot of company, but when I want it, I want it.
I asked a friend of mine to come over Monday so we can work on some music together. But before he came over, I wanted to confirm with my mother that it was ok to have company.
She said that she really didn't want me to have company, and that I was having a lot of people come through the house lately. That was a complete fallacy because the only person I had over there came over on a Saturday, and the 2 times before that, I went to their house!
Anyway, I didn't see the big deal for two reasons:
1. She always makes statements about me walking alot on my feet, and how she "disapproves".
2.She sleeps during the daytime because she works at night!
In case inquiring minds were wondering, The music we were going to work on is electronic; there would be no noise because it's all coming through headphones!
I didn't feel like arguing, and at the time I wasn't really upset, so I decided that I was just going to cancel, and hang out over another friend's house.
Meanwhile, my sisters both stay home from school Monday, and they wanted to watch movies and lounge around the house.
I said "OK" but I still was going to go through with my plans with my other friends afterward.
The middle sister wanted me to stay and cancel on them, but I told her that I didn't want to do that because i wanted to get out of the house!
So basically she cops an attitude, and after she returns home, the movies we were going to watch were still on the counter; untouched.
So I didn't know what her plans were... was she going to still watch them? was she angry, so she was going to watch them later? So I didn't ask questions because after the attitude I basically didn't care.
She comes to my room a little while later, and asks was I still going to watch the movies? I said yes, and that she just needed to tell me when she was ready...
From there we argued about whether or not I should have known to immediately go into the living room to watch the movie!
Of course since we were both irritated I declined watching the movies, and just left for my friend's house earlier than planned.
I stayed there all afternoon and evening, and then they walked me back home around midnight.
No calls from anyone asking where i was, or anything. (Not that I cared)
My friends and I decided to get up super early to take care of business at the Social Services Department. Now I'm up at the crack of dawn on my mother's bike to get my life situated. As I was pedaling, one of the pedals came off the bike, and needed a nut to keep it in place! Imagine how frustrating it is to try to steer your bike with only one pedal!
I was closer to my friend's house than mine, so I went there because I knew that they had the tools I needed. Anyway because of unforeseen circumstances we didn't make it today.
So here's where the story changes.
My friend's mom receives a text from my aunt asking if I was there and that my family was "concerned" about me! Ha! (Remember, I didn't receive ANY calls from anyone in my family within the last 20 or so hours!
Come to find out through my family's superior gossip network line that I was thought to have never came home last night because they didn't see me when they went to bed or when they woke up!
Now I BLATANTLY left clues to mark my return home... For example:
1. My room was spotless when I left; I left my pjs on my bed and dirty socks on the floor.
2. There was a Diabetic Supplement drink in the fridge, so I drank it, and left the container on the clean counters (I'm the only diabetic in the house).
3. I took my mother's bike out of the garage.
And the most important clue of all:
4. I opened the side door for the dogs, cleaned up their poop, fed them and gave them water!
Now why didn't they figure out that I was there? There was no one else there but my sisters, and they know THEY didn't do that stuff... so who did????
I swear they don't think! Even "Blue's Clues" teach you to pay attention to your surroundings! lol
All-in-all it has been a very frustrating day for me! Unnecessary drama and assumptions because of lack of communication! Yeah, it was my fault too, but I'm not going to give out info just because... If you don't ask, I won't tell.
I'm officially too through, and need to get out of this binding situation fast...
I am closely approaching insanity, and need to fix this jumbled mess of a life and make a clear path for me, and me alone.
I'm tired of people interfering with my happiness. I deal with a lot of bull on a regular basis; I all want to achieve is independence and happiness... Is that too much to ask?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
If I've Said It Once...
Not even 24 hours later, and I'm back again!
Today I'm not feeling too well. I have been without my Humira for months now, and that medication helps control my Psoriasis outbreaks. I've been without medical insurance since June, and just a few days ago I got it reinstated!
Yesterday I picked up my Humira prescription, and since it's been outta my system for months, it was like taking it for the first time... and the first time made me feel horrible.
Anyway, I've been in my room all day. I was laying down until about 1:30pm, and ever since then, I've been on the internet (Facebook & Neopets).
I'm not in a great mood; in fact I'm pretty much still peeved about last night's events. Considering my sister was the one that informed my mother of my transportation decisions, I don't even want to look at her, let alone talk to her.
I've already made up my mind. I'm getting her back... oh am I getting her back.
So the story now picks up where both of the sisters are home from school, and I'm still in my room, keeping to myself. The youngest one knocks on my door and asks me if I have MY Wii game in my possession because the revengee wants to play it.
Here's why I'm annoyed:
If it belongs to me, and me alone, then I keep it in my possession... I don't like people touching, breathing, looking, and using my stuff without my permission.
Her purpose for coming into the room was to see if I would let her borrow the game; however she should have just gotten to the point. I'm not interested in making small talk today. I just really want to be left alone.
And since the living room is a common "free-for-all" area, I don't keep my stuff in there.
Yes, I am a control freak when it comes to my stuff! Since I can't control anything else (including my actions, and reactions to others) then I got to be able to control something.
It's not that I don't like sharing, it's just that I would rather people ask BEFORE borrowing my items.
It is 82 degrees in my room right now, and I desperately want to get out, but considering how I feel today, it's not even worth the risk of being stressed or the arguments that may break out!
That's all I wanted to say...
Today I'm not feeling too well. I have been without my Humira for months now, and that medication helps control my Psoriasis outbreaks. I've been without medical insurance since June, and just a few days ago I got it reinstated!
Yesterday I picked up my Humira prescription, and since it's been outta my system for months, it was like taking it for the first time... and the first time made me feel horrible.
Anyway, I've been in my room all day. I was laying down until about 1:30pm, and ever since then, I've been on the internet (Facebook & Neopets).
I'm not in a great mood; in fact I'm pretty much still peeved about last night's events. Considering my sister was the one that informed my mother of my transportation decisions, I don't even want to look at her, let alone talk to her.
I've already made up my mind. I'm getting her back... oh am I getting her back.
So the story now picks up where both of the sisters are home from school, and I'm still in my room, keeping to myself. The youngest one knocks on my door and asks me if I have MY Wii game in my possession because the revengee wants to play it.
Here's why I'm annoyed:
If it belongs to me, and me alone, then I keep it in my possession... I don't like people touching, breathing, looking, and using my stuff without my permission.
Her purpose for coming into the room was to see if I would let her borrow the game; however she should have just gotten to the point. I'm not interested in making small talk today. I just really want to be left alone.
And since the living room is a common "free-for-all" area, I don't keep my stuff in there.
Yes, I am a control freak when it comes to my stuff! Since I can't control anything else (including my actions, and reactions to others) then I got to be able to control something.
It's not that I don't like sharing, it's just that I would rather people ask BEFORE borrowing my items.
It is 82 degrees in my room right now, and I desperately want to get out, but considering how I feel today, it's not even worth the risk of being stressed or the arguments that may break out!
That's all I wanted to say...
Age Ain't Nothing But A Number...
Well, well, well.
My mind is super heavy right now; and so is my heart.
I tell you, the best way to get me motivated to move forward is to challenge my independence and freedom.
You know, realistically speaking, I don't ask for much.
I try to ask for as little as possible from the people around me for multiple reasons:
1. I have a lot of pride, and find it hard to accept handouts.
2. I don't want what they did for me to be held against me the moment we don't see eye-to-eye.
3. I really just want to be able to do for myself; it makes me feel accomplished.
But the circumstances that I face on a regular basis are not independent-friendly.
I have no income, no job, no property to call my own, and insufficient health.
It sucks when you just want to be an independent 24 year old, and don't even know where to begin.
It gets me down when I think about how I have nothing to call my own.
Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful for the people around me who are willing to take care of me, despite the fact that they barely have the means to do that, but it still isn't the same.
I have/had goals for myself, and a time frame in which to reach them, and now the time has run out, and I'm still not ahead!
Tonight a situation happened where I was at a friend's house, chillin, eating food, and making music. My friends (or extended family) live a little ways from me... especially walking distance, and it's late!
I'm not driving right now, and they don't have a car, so that means I would have had to walk home.
I get in touch with my sister, but she has school in the morning. I didn't want to keep her up waiting for me, but I wasn't ready to come home yet. So she "advises" me not to walk, and yadda, yadda, yadda.
I heard what she said, and her concerns, but I know myself, and the fact still remains that I'm grown! I may still be a dependent in the eyes of my parents, but I'm still old enough to make my own decisions!
So I hang up with her (as my chest is hurting from the stress of trying to say anything that is unnecessary), and I guess my mother tries to call me.
The problem with that is, my phone doesn't work properly; it overheats, drains the battery, and gives me my messages late... not to mention that at the moment I can't even listen to my voicemail messages!
Basically she wrote this to me:
"U should let mera pick u up asap not safe walking told u bfore lancaster full of rapist and the house breakin on our street i don't approve u staying that late that is not Carlos house and u live in mine i dont approve of it and trust me it wont happen again since u chose not to answer phone."
Is she kidding me? "It won't happen again?"
See this is a urgent Dot dOt doT Moment for me! You have no CLUE what was going through my mind.
I don't appreciate being threatened! Ever. I really don't care WHO it is.
I understand she's my mother, and I should respect her, but it's still my choice, and she has to respect that! I'm not sleeping around, I'm not on street drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have kids, and I try my best not to cause her any extra grief, but this is ridiculous!
This is the kind of stuff that makes me stressed and angry... not to mention bitter, resentful, neurotic, and mean!
I can't stand being punished for things that haven't even happened! I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not a bad kid/adult.
I'm just a product of circumstance, and I try my best everyday to cope with my issues... but my coping mechanisms are not the same as everyone else and I really don't know what to do anymore.
Sometimes it's like I'm losing my mind! At times I'm so angry, and other times I'm so depressed, I don't even wanna leave my bed, let alone my room!
But it's situations like these that makes me realize that I NEED to be on my own.
Everyone else is controlling my moves, and what they can't control, they reject. If it's not them doing the control, then it's my health, which is like struggling with a yo-yo.
This blog was intended to see my growth, and how I'm coping with life, but today was just not that day for me.
I don't like feeling angry, and truthfully, I don't even really like being mean, but it's the only way I can protect what little identity I have left, because my surroundings and my health drains everything else from me; leaving me empty.
People only judge what they see, without fully understanding what they're seeing. I don't want to let people get too close to my innermost thoughts... that's way too much ammo that can and most likely will be used against me in the near future.
I can't take that chance; that's why I keep everyone at arm's length.
I wish that it didn't have to be that way, though.
I feel more at ease getting that off my chest!
My mind is super heavy right now; and so is my heart.
I tell you, the best way to get me motivated to move forward is to challenge my independence and freedom.
You know, realistically speaking, I don't ask for much.
I try to ask for as little as possible from the people around me for multiple reasons:
1. I have a lot of pride, and find it hard to accept handouts.
2. I don't want what they did for me to be held against me the moment we don't see eye-to-eye.
3. I really just want to be able to do for myself; it makes me feel accomplished.
But the circumstances that I face on a regular basis are not independent-friendly.
I have no income, no job, no property to call my own, and insufficient health.
It sucks when you just want to be an independent 24 year old, and don't even know where to begin.
It gets me down when I think about how I have nothing to call my own.
Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful for the people around me who are willing to take care of me, despite the fact that they barely have the means to do that, but it still isn't the same.
I have/had goals for myself, and a time frame in which to reach them, and now the time has run out, and I'm still not ahead!
Tonight a situation happened where I was at a friend's house, chillin, eating food, and making music. My friends (or extended family) live a little ways from me... especially walking distance, and it's late!
I'm not driving right now, and they don't have a car, so that means I would have had to walk home.
I get in touch with my sister, but she has school in the morning. I didn't want to keep her up waiting for me, but I wasn't ready to come home yet. So she "advises" me not to walk, and yadda, yadda, yadda.
I heard what she said, and her concerns, but I know myself, and the fact still remains that I'm grown! I may still be a dependent in the eyes of my parents, but I'm still old enough to make my own decisions!
So I hang up with her (as my chest is hurting from the stress of trying to say anything that is unnecessary), and I guess my mother tries to call me.
The problem with that is, my phone doesn't work properly; it overheats, drains the battery, and gives me my messages late... not to mention that at the moment I can't even listen to my voicemail messages!
Basically she wrote this to me:
"U should let mera pick u up asap not safe walking told u bfore lancaster full of rapist and the house breakin on our street i don't approve u staying that late that is not Carlos house and u live in mine i dont approve of it and trust me it wont happen again since u chose not to answer phone."
Is she kidding me? "It won't happen again?"
See this is a urgent Dot dOt doT Moment for me! You have no CLUE what was going through my mind.
I don't appreciate being threatened! Ever. I really don't care WHO it is.
I understand she's my mother, and I should respect her, but it's still my choice, and she has to respect that! I'm not sleeping around, I'm not on street drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have kids, and I try my best not to cause her any extra grief, but this is ridiculous!
This is the kind of stuff that makes me stressed and angry... not to mention bitter, resentful, neurotic, and mean!
I can't stand being punished for things that haven't even happened! I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not a bad kid/adult.
I'm just a product of circumstance, and I try my best everyday to cope with my issues... but my coping mechanisms are not the same as everyone else and I really don't know what to do anymore.
Sometimes it's like I'm losing my mind! At times I'm so angry, and other times I'm so depressed, I don't even wanna leave my bed, let alone my room!
But it's situations like these that makes me realize that I NEED to be on my own.
Everyone else is controlling my moves, and what they can't control, they reject. If it's not them doing the control, then it's my health, which is like struggling with a yo-yo.
This blog was intended to see my growth, and how I'm coping with life, but today was just not that day for me.
I don't like feeling angry, and truthfully, I don't even really like being mean, but it's the only way I can protect what little identity I have left, because my surroundings and my health drains everything else from me; leaving me empty.
People only judge what they see, without fully understanding what they're seeing. I don't want to let people get too close to my innermost thoughts... that's way too much ammo that can and most likely will be used against me in the near future.
I can't take that chance; that's why I keep everyone at arm's length.
I wish that it didn't have to be that way, though.
I feel more at ease getting that off my chest!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
5 months later...
Wow! It has been a long while since I've posted a blog!
So... what's new, you ask?
Well... not much.
New foot injuries, but same set of issues, living arrangements, and people.
And even more upsetting: same old me.
Not good to be stagnant when I said I wanted to change. I need to prepare myself for change mentally before it can physically take place.
Ok, enough with the negative self-review.
I just want to talk about sensitivity levels. I am a very sensitive person. But thinkers usually are. We have a chance to delve into our inner psyche and question our very thought processes and the the thoughts of others.
Now I'm a person who has a lot of medical stuff going on with them. Diabetes is the forerunner in all of my issues and truthfully my lack of control over this disease is the root of all my other problems.
I've been diabetic for 15 years now. January 24th is my "anniversary". This disease has taught me so many things, as well as taken some things away from me. But needless to say, this is a subject I know very well.
A little earlier this evening a statement was made in my presence about a fellow diabetic and their lack of enthusiasm when it comes to taking their meds the way they are supposed to in order to live a comfortable life. The person stated that the diabetic wanted to die.
She meant it as a fact due to the diabetic's carelessness to their health. But I know better. I have oftentimes found myself in the situation where taking my meds the way I'm supposed to can be tedious... to say the least.
And for me, there were very few times in those moments where I wished for death, or even thought about it, for that matter. So to make a statement like that was (in my eyes) ignorant.
Being sick all the time is not easy. Being diabetic everyday takes a strong-willed and disciplined individual. It's a mindset, and not a mindset that is easy for everyone to attain.
For one person it's just as easy as breathing, for another, just as hard holding your breath under water. So to make a statement like that without even knowing the individual, no matter what the intent was...
just wasn't using your head.
See this person can sympathize with a diabetic, having lived with one most of her life, but I can EMPATHIZE; having BEEN one most of my life. And I know, for me, diabetes has always been a struggle and a hardship. Yeah, I caused a lot of that crap on myself, but I know better than to make a statement like that about ANY sickness.
I just had to say that. Be aware of your surroundings; of the things you say. You never know how insensitive you could sound to a person living the life you make judgments about.
So... what's new, you ask?
Well... not much.
New foot injuries, but same set of issues, living arrangements, and people.
And even more upsetting: same old me.
Not good to be stagnant when I said I wanted to change. I need to prepare myself for change mentally before it can physically take place.
Ok, enough with the negative self-review.
I just want to talk about sensitivity levels. I am a very sensitive person. But thinkers usually are. We have a chance to delve into our inner psyche and question our very thought processes and the the thoughts of others.
Now I'm a person who has a lot of medical stuff going on with them. Diabetes is the forerunner in all of my issues and truthfully my lack of control over this disease is the root of all my other problems.
I've been diabetic for 15 years now. January 24th is my "anniversary". This disease has taught me so many things, as well as taken some things away from me. But needless to say, this is a subject I know very well.
A little earlier this evening a statement was made in my presence about a fellow diabetic and their lack of enthusiasm when it comes to taking their meds the way they are supposed to in order to live a comfortable life. The person stated that the diabetic wanted to die.
She meant it as a fact due to the diabetic's carelessness to their health. But I know better. I have oftentimes found myself in the situation where taking my meds the way I'm supposed to can be tedious... to say the least.
And for me, there were very few times in those moments where I wished for death, or even thought about it, for that matter. So to make a statement like that was (in my eyes) ignorant.
Being sick all the time is not easy. Being diabetic everyday takes a strong-willed and disciplined individual. It's a mindset, and not a mindset that is easy for everyone to attain.
For one person it's just as easy as breathing, for another, just as hard holding your breath under water. So to make a statement like that without even knowing the individual, no matter what the intent was...
just wasn't using your head.
See this person can sympathize with a diabetic, having lived with one most of her life, but I can EMPATHIZE; having BEEN one most of my life. And I know, for me, diabetes has always been a struggle and a hardship. Yeah, I caused a lot of that crap on myself, but I know better than to make a statement like that about ANY sickness.
I just had to say that. Be aware of your surroundings; of the things you say. You never know how insensitive you could sound to a person living the life you make judgments about.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Respect is earned, not given...
How come adults believe they have the right to feel Flustered, frustrated, angry, and every other emotion, but everyone else is exempt? Like i dont have just as much right to be angry... to feel?
If you dont wanna be disrespected, then learn to give respect.
Respect is supposed to be reciprocal. Just because you are a certain age doesnt give you the right to talk to people younger than you any kind of way, and expect them to show you the same amount of respect they would have otherwise shown! You have to be crazy to think that!
I believe in fairness, and honestly, you're not going to get anywhere with me talking to me like you're talking to a little kid...
I'm way too angry and on edge to write more than that right now...
If you dont wanna be disrespected, then learn to give respect.
Respect is supposed to be reciprocal. Just because you are a certain age doesnt give you the right to talk to people younger than you any kind of way, and expect them to show you the same amount of respect they would have otherwise shown! You have to be crazy to think that!
I believe in fairness, and honestly, you're not going to get anywhere with me talking to me like you're talking to a little kid...
I'm way too angry and on edge to write more than that right now...
Monday, February 1, 2010
Can I ask you something? ...
Hi all.
It's been absolutely too long since I've written a blog, but my chest capacity cannot take any more pressure, so I have to release some tension (like that old SWV album)...
I am learning a lot about myself. Unfortunately, there are more negative traits that I've found over positive ones.
Here's what the deal is today:
I'm helping my younger sister out with a science project, which is due sooner than we originally thought. I take her to the library today, but truthfully before I left the house I was already a little agitated. I wasn't sure why because no events could have possibly led up to my agitation. I unsuccessfully try to shake it off, but I wasn't putting as much effort into that as I could have!
Anyway, we're in line, and I ask about renewing my misplaced library card. The librarian says that it expired in 1996, and I needed a new one. I explained to her that I actually replaced the library card last year sometime. So she's asking me a series of questions, and I become very agitated. After we get home, we have to look for another project idea since the one I originally picked was time consuming. As I'm looking up information, the middle sister starts asking questions...
Do you get the connection here?
I realized that I have a problem with people questioning me! Actually, I can't stand it!
I think psychologically speaking the questions brings up bouts of uncertainty, which would make me want to check my sources or reconfirm what I already stated.
It's almost like an insecurity thing with me... I feel that if you question me to check my sources, you're stating that you don't trust my word. Or if you ask a question that I feel is "common knowledge" (when, in fact, it really isn't) then you're questioning my intellect and/or wasting my time. (I have an arrogance problem).
Crazy, right? But it irritates me! I can't even explain it better than what I already did!
What I have to remember is that some questions I consider rhetorical really isn't, just because I know the answer to it.
My thought processes and my method of handling situations vary from another person's, and because I'm a thinker, I tend to over-analyze, and take longer routes to solve a problem, because I don't know how to process information on a simpler scale.
My mind just runs, and I really can't help it... it's like a curse and a blessing...
OK, I'm starting to feel better now, that I've gotten that off my chest...
Any encouraging words, thoughts, ideas?
Let me know...
It's been absolutely too long since I've written a blog, but my chest capacity cannot take any more pressure, so I have to release some tension (like that old SWV album)...
I am learning a lot about myself. Unfortunately, there are more negative traits that I've found over positive ones.
Here's what the deal is today:
I'm helping my younger sister out with a science project, which is due sooner than we originally thought. I take her to the library today, but truthfully before I left the house I was already a little agitated. I wasn't sure why because no events could have possibly led up to my agitation. I unsuccessfully try to shake it off, but I wasn't putting as much effort into that as I could have!
Anyway, we're in line, and I ask about renewing my misplaced library card. The librarian says that it expired in 1996, and I needed a new one. I explained to her that I actually replaced the library card last year sometime. So she's asking me a series of questions, and I become very agitated. After we get home, we have to look for another project idea since the one I originally picked was time consuming. As I'm looking up information, the middle sister starts asking questions...
Do you get the connection here?
I realized that I have a problem with people questioning me! Actually, I can't stand it!
I think psychologically speaking the questions brings up bouts of uncertainty, which would make me want to check my sources or reconfirm what I already stated.
It's almost like an insecurity thing with me... I feel that if you question me to check my sources, you're stating that you don't trust my word. Or if you ask a question that I feel is "common knowledge" (when, in fact, it really isn't) then you're questioning my intellect and/or wasting my time. (I have an arrogance problem).
Crazy, right? But it irritates me! I can't even explain it better than what I already did!
What I have to remember is that some questions I consider rhetorical really isn't, just because I know the answer to it.
My thought processes and my method of handling situations vary from another person's, and because I'm a thinker, I tend to over-analyze, and take longer routes to solve a problem, because I don't know how to process information on a simpler scale.
My mind just runs, and I really can't help it... it's like a curse and a blessing...
OK, I'm starting to feel better now, that I've gotten that off my chest...
Any encouraging words, thoughts, ideas?
Let me know...
Saturday, January 16, 2010
At Your Best...
It's almost the 17th of January, and I forgot to take some time out to remember the birth of one of R&B's most influential young women of my time.
Aaliyah.
Yeah, she's secular. I know that. But that doesn't change the fact, that I spent a lot of my early singing years mimicking her style.
Between her, Monica, Brandy and Mya... they were the ones I grew up sneaking to listen to!!! lol
Before the Destiny's Child/Beyonce craze, you had "Babygirl".
Anyway, I just wanted to remember her...
She really was One In A Million.
Friday, January 15, 2010
My Personality...
| % | |
|---|---|
| Openness | 81% |
| Conscientiousness | 44% |
| Extraversion | 50% |
| Agreeableness | 13% |
| Neuroticism | 75% |
This test basically has me down to a "T"... you gotta read these results:
Trait Explanations
In order to interpret your raw trait scores, they were compared to the first 350,000 people to complete the full MyPersonality Big Five questionnaire. This allows the way that you described yourself to be put in the context of how other people respond to the questionnaire. You should remember that there are no fundamentally good or bad personalities, as each trait description has potential advantages and disadvantages.
Openness
This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 73% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is intellectually curious and appreciative of what you consider beautiful, no matter what others think. You might say that your imagination is vivid and makes you more creative than many others.
Conscientiousness
This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 16% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is impulsive and whimsical, and fine with it! From your responses it appears that you would say that sometimes decisions need to be made quickly, and that you make them quicker than most! You would say you are zany, colourful, and just generally great fun to be with... as long as someone isn't relying on you to get some work done.
Extraversion
This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 24% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who prefers low-key social occasions, with a few close friends. You might say that it's not that you are afraid of large parties; they're just not that fun for you.
Agreeableness
This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 0.1% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is willing to make difficult decisions when necessary, and will point out when something is wrong no matter what other people might feel. Your responses suggest that you would say that you can be tough and uncompromising.
Neuroticism (Emotional stability)
This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life's demands. Approximately 98% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who tends to be more self-conscious than many. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who can find it hard to not get caught up by anxious or stressful situations. You might say that you are in touch with your own feelings.
Dear Reader...
Okay, so it's been a few days, and I really meant to post something Tuesday night, but it wasn't the right time for me... IN other words, something went down and I wasn't in the mood to blog!! lol
Before I get into today's topic, I would like to make a few things very clear to you, the reader.
Let's list them (I like lists!!)
1. Reading this blog is optional; you won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it!
2. A blog is basically an online journal. So that means that the material written is subjective to the writer. It's not supposed to be fair!! lol
3. This blog is for venting purposes... I, as well as everyone else in the world, want to be heard. And since vocalizing my thoughts aren't well received, then this is the next best thing... either this or pulling a Columbine. Your choice.
Somewhat kidding about the Columbine thing.
I don't know what was to be expected from all this, (from the reader's POV), but this blog isn't really for you... it's for me. And however I choose to write it is my business. I'm protected under law by the 1st Amendment.
Also, the tone of this blog is sadistic and sarcastic, with a tiny bit of hope lying in the background. It will become more positive as the situations change; but as I stated before, that doesn't happen over night, and I have a lot on my plate to deal with.
So my best advice to you, the reader, is to not read it if you find it offensive!!!
Okay, moving on!
lol
The real topic of the day was thought processing.
I was wondering how everyone else process information.
I tend to process before I decide to do things, and just to be on the safe side, I'll have a backup plan.
But that is basic processing. I really want to know how different the thoughts you think are from what you actually say. Sometimes meanings can get lost in translation. Not often do people say exactly what they mean.
If the thought is negative, we as humans try to spare feelings by watering down the actual thought. Which can be bad if you lose your cool, because that's when your real thoughts come out.
Other people say things that they know will hurt you because they know your sensitivity level. They may not mean them, but they know it will get to you.
I personally do both, but not in the way you would expect.
I say things that I know will hurt you, but on one level or another, I mean them.
Which is probably why I have a problem believing that people only say "mean" things out of anger.
I say them when I'm angry, but I was thinking it all the time. I can't hardly think of a time where I said something out of anger, and didn't mean it.
That's super bad, right? I know. So the issue is not just controlling my anger, but controlling my thoughts.
Although the last couple of months I haven't been as angry as I was at the start of Fall to the end of November, I still had my stumbling moments.
9 times out of 10 they would've been prevented if I just followed my instincts and acted accordingly. Yeah, they would've caused some personal inconveniences, but who cares if I'm at peace?
Wednesday, I rediscovered the joy of walking. For the first time I realized that it the walking I enjoyed so much, it's the freedom of it, and more importantly it gives me the chance to connect to music the way I like. I don't even know how to explain it, but I love listening to music so much more when I'm by myself because I can really get into it the way I like to. Walking is only an inconvenience because of the problems I have with diabetic foot ulcers.
It's hard to be fiercely independent when your health is out of whack. I'm working on that as well...
Okay, so much for this blog. I'll write a little later; my mind is cluttered, and I need time to sort some things out!
Thanks for reading!
Before I get into today's topic, I would like to make a few things very clear to you, the reader.
Let's list them (I like lists!!)
1. Reading this blog is optional; you won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it!
2. A blog is basically an online journal. So that means that the material written is subjective to the writer. It's not supposed to be fair!! lol
3. This blog is for venting purposes... I, as well as everyone else in the world, want to be heard. And since vocalizing my thoughts aren't well received, then this is the next best thing... either this or pulling a Columbine. Your choice.
Somewhat kidding about the Columbine thing.
I don't know what was to be expected from all this, (from the reader's POV), but this blog isn't really for you... it's for me. And however I choose to write it is my business. I'm protected under law by the 1st Amendment.
Also, the tone of this blog is sadistic and sarcastic, with a tiny bit of hope lying in the background. It will become more positive as the situations change; but as I stated before, that doesn't happen over night, and I have a lot on my plate to deal with.
So my best advice to you, the reader, is to not read it if you find it offensive!!!
Okay, moving on!
lol
The real topic of the day was thought processing.
I was wondering how everyone else process information.
I tend to process before I decide to do things, and just to be on the safe side, I'll have a backup plan.
But that is basic processing. I really want to know how different the thoughts you think are from what you actually say. Sometimes meanings can get lost in translation. Not often do people say exactly what they mean.
If the thought is negative, we as humans try to spare feelings by watering down the actual thought. Which can be bad if you lose your cool, because that's when your real thoughts come out.
Other people say things that they know will hurt you because they know your sensitivity level. They may not mean them, but they know it will get to you.
I personally do both, but not in the way you would expect.
I say things that I know will hurt you, but on one level or another, I mean them.
Which is probably why I have a problem believing that people only say "mean" things out of anger.
I say them when I'm angry, but I was thinking it all the time. I can't hardly think of a time where I said something out of anger, and didn't mean it.
That's super bad, right? I know. So the issue is not just controlling my anger, but controlling my thoughts.
Although the last couple of months I haven't been as angry as I was at the start of Fall to the end of November, I still had my stumbling moments.
9 times out of 10 they would've been prevented if I just followed my instincts and acted accordingly. Yeah, they would've caused some personal inconveniences, but who cares if I'm at peace?
Wednesday, I rediscovered the joy of walking. For the first time I realized that it the walking I enjoyed so much, it's the freedom of it, and more importantly it gives me the chance to connect to music the way I like. I don't even know how to explain it, but I love listening to music so much more when I'm by myself because I can really get into it the way I like to. Walking is only an inconvenience because of the problems I have with diabetic foot ulcers.
It's hard to be fiercely independent when your health is out of whack. I'm working on that as well...
Okay, so much for this blog. I'll write a little later; my mind is cluttered, and I need time to sort some things out!
Thanks for reading!
Friday, January 8, 2010
Taking the High Road...
I know on Twitter and Myspace I promised a new blog, but I got lazy!!! lol Sorry.
I have a question:
2 sets of friends, 2 different events, 1 night... how do you choose what you're going to do?
Now if they're both happening at different times during the day that's fine, but what if they're happening simultaneously? Do you try to split the time in half, or just commit yourself to one event and take a raincheck on the other? Let's throw a monkeywrench in there: what if you have someone attending the first event with you, and their intention is to stay until the end?
"They can find their own way back" is what most of your are probably thinking, but I have another approach to that thought: the driver should communicate their intentions to the rider so that the other person can make the appropriate adjustments, such as finding another ride.
This happened to me today, but the driver informed me of their plans up front. I was fine with the arrangements we made together, but what I didn't calculate into my plans was what if I wanted to stay longer??
And that's what happened.
The driver was ready to go at the time specified in our earlier conversation, and I wasn't. We were visiting at a friend's house, who lived no more than 3 minutes away (driving distance). Normally, I would've just opted to walk home, but since it's dark out, and my feet was hurting, I didn't chance it.
I kinda got a little irritated because I realized that this was going to be my life's story until I got my own set of wheels. It's really hard to depend on someone when you're used to just getting up and going when you get ready.
It's also very humbling... which is something else I need to work on.
It's hard for me to accept things that I would normally get/do for myself from others, but it's even harder to me to accept them from my family!!!
Most people's perspective on family is that you can always count on them. But mine is more "I'd rather not count on the ones whose always giving me grief!" Family tend to criticize more and are less accepting.
People who don't know you well can adapt to your changes better than the people who have known you all your life. They have you moulded into their heads a certain way, and to them, you're not supposed to deviate.
When you do, it causes conflict.
Talking about my issues with family can take a blog or two!! lol
Getting back to the topic, this is how it was resolved:
We left, and I didn't make a fuss, because that is what we agreed to. However, I know now, that I will explore all options, and take matters into my own hands. From now on, I will make sure that when it comes to going places with another person, I have more than one way to get back home... that way we can all do what we want to do with our time, and not feel pressured to stay for the rider, or the rider feeling "rushed" because the driver is ready to go.
I have a question:
2 sets of friends, 2 different events, 1 night... how do you choose what you're going to do?
Now if they're both happening at different times during the day that's fine, but what if they're happening simultaneously? Do you try to split the time in half, or just commit yourself to one event and take a raincheck on the other? Let's throw a monkeywrench in there: what if you have someone attending the first event with you, and their intention is to stay until the end?
"They can find their own way back" is what most of your are probably thinking, but I have another approach to that thought: the driver should communicate their intentions to the rider so that the other person can make the appropriate adjustments, such as finding another ride.
This happened to me today, but the driver informed me of their plans up front. I was fine with the arrangements we made together, but what I didn't calculate into my plans was what if I wanted to stay longer??
And that's what happened.
The driver was ready to go at the time specified in our earlier conversation, and I wasn't. We were visiting at a friend's house, who lived no more than 3 minutes away (driving distance). Normally, I would've just opted to walk home, but since it's dark out, and my feet was hurting, I didn't chance it.
I kinda got a little irritated because I realized that this was going to be my life's story until I got my own set of wheels. It's really hard to depend on someone when you're used to just getting up and going when you get ready.
It's also very humbling... which is something else I need to work on.
It's hard for me to accept things that I would normally get/do for myself from others, but it's even harder to me to accept them from my family!!!
Most people's perspective on family is that you can always count on them. But mine is more "I'd rather not count on the ones whose always giving me grief!" Family tend to criticize more and are less accepting.
People who don't know you well can adapt to your changes better than the people who have known you all your life. They have you moulded into their heads a certain way, and to them, you're not supposed to deviate.
When you do, it causes conflict.
Talking about my issues with family can take a blog or two!! lol
Getting back to the topic, this is how it was resolved:
We left, and I didn't make a fuss, because that is what we agreed to. However, I know now, that I will explore all options, and take matters into my own hands. From now on, I will make sure that when it comes to going places with another person, I have more than one way to get back home... that way we can all do what we want to do with our time, and not feel pressured to stay for the rider, or the rider feeling "rushed" because the driver is ready to go.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
Think fast, kid...
I don't want to use my blog to bash anyone, but it seems like my only inspiration to write is the people who brings the worst out of me...
To have someone in your life that can be caring, loving, and sympathetic is a good thing. They can wind up being your confidant, but on the flip side they can also be the one who gets under your skin in the worst of ways.
Fast-talking, pseudo-analytical, and contradictory.
Yep.
But this year is a year for change, not for them, but for me. Change doesn't happen overnight. The very ones that can criticize you for your "lack" of change when you get in conflict with them, are the very stumbling-blocks that can stop the change from happening.
What to do when you're in an argument with a fast-talker:
1. listen
2. speak softly
3. apologize
4. repeat.
I messed up when I got to 4. I didn't repeat and that caused me to lose my cool. I started shouting, using phrases like "always and never", I started criticizing, and began hinting of things that I knew of them that could bring them down. Those are my "soft defense" mechanisms, and were used because they were used against me.
The problem about that is that I can't stand people like that. I hate when you try to bring up the past and use it against me. When you use your own logic to try to prove a point; although it isn't logical to anyone else but you.
I do all of those things, and that is the part of myself I want to get rid of.
I refuse to let someone make me angry which-in turn-makes me physically ill (psoriasis flare-up, high glucose reading).
It isn't worth it. After the situation was over, I laughed, and then blogged.
Now that it's out of my mind and onto the screen, I can move forward, and not hold a grudge or be bitter. This situation only makes my goals in life more clear, and more urgent.
As my Princess told me today; it's time to start taking care of yourself!
Case Closed. :-)
To have someone in your life that can be caring, loving, and sympathetic is a good thing. They can wind up being your confidant, but on the flip side they can also be the one who gets under your skin in the worst of ways.
Fast-talking, pseudo-analytical, and contradictory.
Yep.
But this year is a year for change, not for them, but for me. Change doesn't happen overnight. The very ones that can criticize you for your "lack" of change when you get in conflict with them, are the very stumbling-blocks that can stop the change from happening.
What to do when you're in an argument with a fast-talker:
1. listen
2. speak softly
3. apologize
4. repeat.
I messed up when I got to 4. I didn't repeat and that caused me to lose my cool. I started shouting, using phrases like "always and never", I started criticizing, and began hinting of things that I knew of them that could bring them down. Those are my "soft defense" mechanisms, and were used because they were used against me.
The problem about that is that I can't stand people like that. I hate when you try to bring up the past and use it against me. When you use your own logic to try to prove a point; although it isn't logical to anyone else but you.
I do all of those things, and that is the part of myself I want to get rid of.
I refuse to let someone make me angry which-in turn-makes me physically ill (psoriasis flare-up, high glucose reading).
It isn't worth it. After the situation was over, I laughed, and then blogged.
Now that it's out of my mind and onto the screen, I can move forward, and not hold a grudge or be bitter. This situation only makes my goals in life more clear, and more urgent.
As my Princess told me today; it's time to start taking care of yourself!
Case Closed. :-)
Monday, January 4, 2010
Holiday Recap...
Happy New Year Everyone!
I know I haven't been keeping up with this blog the way that I should, it's just been so hectic the last few weeks...
I want to give you a recap of my holiday season...
The Christmas week was incredibly interesting! I got to help my church choir with two new songs! The slow tempo song I directed (it was my directorial debut!! lol), and the fast tempo song I accompanied my mom-figure on the keyboard! It was fun, and I realized how much of that part of my life I miss. The Christmas play was amazing, and very insightful. I also finally produced my Christmas album that's been on hold for the last 4 years!! People loved it, and I was able to donate the proceeds to the church's expense drive!
Working on the cd was a difficult process, but it was lots of fun as well.
Christmas Day was spent at my Aunt's house in Lancaster! It was a nice gathering, but I had the most fun when my Little Aunt, my cousin, her daughter and I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks! We're all 23, and mellow. We can have a good time doing things that couldn't end us up in situations we have to pray to God to get ourselves out of. I guess you can say I'm boring. I'm not interested in doing anything that could jeopardize my health... I've done that enough by myself!
Then a week later, New Year's Eve came!
Our church has a Watch Meet Service every year, and last year was the first year I spent away from church. I spent it in the hospital's psych ward instead! *A Long Story which deserves a blog of its own!!*
Even though I wasn't thrilled about attending the service, I'm really glad I did!! It was great, and just what I needed to kick off the new year! God came through and showed out for us!!
The next day, my grandmother made her Seafood Gumbo (which was bomb!), we played Wii games, and had a generally good time!
After that, things begin to get a little... strange in the house. So strange, in fact that it was decided that it would be best if I moved back in with my mother in Lancaster!!! I wish I could go into details with you, but it's too personal to share in a blog.
So here I am, in Lancaster, with my room, my music, my movies, my books, and most importantly, my bed!!! lol
This living arrangement will be a struggle, but it will teach me humility, and depending on God for the answers I seek. I'm ready for this change!!
I know I haven't been keeping up with this blog the way that I should, it's just been so hectic the last few weeks...
I want to give you a recap of my holiday season...
The Christmas week was incredibly interesting! I got to help my church choir with two new songs! The slow tempo song I directed (it was my directorial debut!! lol), and the fast tempo song I accompanied my mom-figure on the keyboard! It was fun, and I realized how much of that part of my life I miss. The Christmas play was amazing, and very insightful. I also finally produced my Christmas album that's been on hold for the last 4 years!! People loved it, and I was able to donate the proceeds to the church's expense drive!
Working on the cd was a difficult process, but it was lots of fun as well.
Christmas Day was spent at my Aunt's house in Lancaster! It was a nice gathering, but I had the most fun when my Little Aunt, my cousin, her daughter and I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks! We're all 23, and mellow. We can have a good time doing things that couldn't end us up in situations we have to pray to God to get ourselves out of. I guess you can say I'm boring. I'm not interested in doing anything that could jeopardize my health... I've done that enough by myself!
Then a week later, New Year's Eve came!
Our church has a Watch Meet Service every year, and last year was the first year I spent away from church. I spent it in the hospital's psych ward instead! *A Long Story which deserves a blog of its own!!*
Even though I wasn't thrilled about attending the service, I'm really glad I did!! It was great, and just what I needed to kick off the new year! God came through and showed out for us!!
The next day, my grandmother made her Seafood Gumbo (which was bomb!), we played Wii games, and had a generally good time!
After that, things begin to get a little... strange in the house. So strange, in fact that it was decided that it would be best if I moved back in with my mother in Lancaster!!! I wish I could go into details with you, but it's too personal to share in a blog.
So here I am, in Lancaster, with my room, my music, my movies, my books, and most importantly, my bed!!! lol
This living arrangement will be a struggle, but it will teach me humility, and depending on God for the answers I seek. I'm ready for this change!!
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