Age Ain't Nothing But A Number...

Well, well, well.

My mind is super heavy right now; and so is my heart.

I tell you, the best way to get me motivated to move forward is to challenge my independence and freedom.

You know, realistically speaking, I don't ask for much.
I try to ask for as little as possible from the people around me for multiple reasons:

1. I have a lot of pride, and find it hard to accept handouts.
2. I don't want what they did for me to be held against me the moment we don't see eye-to-eye.

3. I really just want to be able to do for myself; it makes me feel accomplished.


But the circumstances that I face on a regular basis are not independent-friendly.

I have no income, no job, no property to call my own, and insufficient health.

It sucks when you just want to be an independent 24 year old, and don't even know where to begin.

It gets me down when I think about how I have nothing to call my own.

Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful for the people around me who are willing to take care of me, despite the fact that they barely have the means to do that, but it still isn't the same.

I have/had goals for myself, and a time frame in which to reach them, and now the time has run out, and I'm still not ahead!


Tonight a situation happened where I was at a friend's house, chillin, eating food, and making music. My friends (or extended family) live a little ways from me... especially walking distance, and it's late!

I'm not driving right now, and they don't have a car, so that means I would have had to walk home.

I get in touch with my sister, but she has school in the morning. I didn't want to keep her up waiting for me, but I wasn't ready to come home yet. So she "advises" me not to walk, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

I heard what she said, and her concerns, but I know myself, and the fact still remains that I'm grown! I may still be a dependent in the eyes of my parents, but I'm still old enough to make my own decisions!

So I hang up with her (as my chest is hurting from the stress of trying to say anything that is unnecessary), and I guess my mother tries to call me.


The problem with that is, my phone doesn't work properly; it overheats, drains the battery, and gives me my messages late... not to mention that at the moment I can't even listen to my voicemail messages!

Basically she wrote this to me:

"U should let mera pick u up asap not safe walking told u bfore lancaster full of rapist and the house breakin on our street i don't approve u staying that late that is not Carlos house and u live in mine i dont approve of it and trust me it wont happen again since u chose not to answer phone."


Is she kidding me? "It won't happen again?"
See this is a urgent Dot dOt doT Moment for me! You have no CLUE what was going through my mind.

I don't appreciate being threatened! Ever. I really don't care WHO it is.
I understand she's my mother, and I should respect her, but it's still my choice, and she has to respect that! I'm not sleeping around, I'm not on street drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have kids, and I try my best not to cause her any extra grief, but this is ridiculous!

This is the kind of stuff that makes me stressed and angry... not to mention bitter, resentful, neurotic, and mean!

I can't stand being punished for things that haven't even happened! I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not a bad kid/adult.

I'm just a product of circumstance, and I try my best everyday to cope with my issues... but my coping mechanisms are not the same as everyone else and I really don't know what to do anymore.

Sometimes it's like I'm losing my mind! At times I'm so angry, and other times I'm so depressed, I don't even wanna leave my bed, let alone my room!

But it's situations like these that makes me realize that I NEED to be on my own.
Everyone else is controlling my moves, and what they can't control, they reject. If it's not them doing the control, then it's my health, which is like struggling with a yo-yo.

This blog was intended to see my growth, and how I'm coping with life, but today was just not that day for me.

I don't like feeling angry, and truthfully, I don't even really like being mean, but it's the only way I can protect what little identity I have left, because my surroundings and my health drains everything else from me; leaving me empty.

People only judge what they see, without fully understanding what they're seeing. I don't want to let people get too close to my innermost thoughts... that's way too much ammo that can and most likely will be used against me in the near future.

I can't take that chance; that's why I keep everyone at arm's length.

I wish that it didn't have to be that way, though.


I feel more at ease getting that off my chest!