At Your Best...

It's almost the 17th of January, and I forgot to take some time out to remember the birth of one of R&B's most influential young women of my time.

Aaliyah.

Yeah, she's secular. I know that. But that doesn't change the fact, that I spent a lot of my early singing years mimicking her style.


Between her, Monica, Brandy and Mya... they were the ones I grew up sneaking to listen to!!! lol

Before the Destiny's Child/Beyonce craze, you had "Babygirl".


Anyway, I just wanted to remember her...

She really was One In A Million.

My Personality...

View Full MyPersonality.org Profile

0 50 100	%
Openness	81%
Conscientiousness	44%
Extraversion	50%
Agreeableness	13%
Neuroticism	75%

This test basically has me down to a "T"... you gotta read these results:


Trait Explanations

In order to interpret your raw trait scores, they were compared to the first 350,000 people to complete the full MyPersonality Big Five questionnaire. This allows the way that you described yourself to be put in the context of how other people respond to the questionnaire. You should remember that there are no fundamentally good or bad personalities, as each trait description has potential advantages and disadvantages.

Openness

This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer novelty versus convention. Approximately 73% of respondents have a lower openness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is intellectually curious and appreciative of what you consider beautiful, no matter what others think. You might say that your imagination is vivid and makes you more creative than many others.


Conscientiousness

This trait refers to the extent to which you prefer an organised, or a flexible, approach in life. Approximately 16% of respondents have a lower conscientiousness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is impulsive and whimsical, and fine with it! From your responses it appears that you would say that sometimes decisions need to be made quickly, and that you make them quicker than most! You would say you are zany, colourful, and just generally great fun to be with... as long as someone isn't relying on you to get some work done.


Extraversion

This trait refers to the extent to which you enjoy company, and seek excitement and stimulation. Approximately 24% of respondents have a lower extraversion raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who prefers low-key social occasions, with a few close friends. You might say that it's not that you are afraid of large parties; they're just not that fun for you.


Agreeableness

This trait refers to the way you express your opinions and manage relationships. Approximately 0.1% of respondents have a lower agreeableness raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who is willing to make difficult decisions when necessary, and will point out when something is wrong no matter what other people might feel. Your responses suggest that you would say that you can be tough and uncompromising.

Neuroticism (Emotional stability)

This trait refers to the way you cope with, and respond to, life's demands. Approximately 98% of respondents have a lower neuroticism raw percentage than yours. From the way you answered the questions, you seem to describe yourself as someone who tends to be more self-conscious than many. Based on your responses, you come across as someone who can find it hard to not get caught up by anxious or stressful situations. You might say that you are in touch with your own feelings.

Dear Reader...

Okay, so it's been a few days, and I really meant to post something Tuesday night, but it wasn't the right time for me... IN other words, something went down and I wasn't in the mood to blog!! lol


Before I get into today's topic, I would like to make a few things very clear to you, the reader.

Let's list them (I like lists!!)

1. Reading this blog is optional; you won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it!

2. A blog is basically an online journal. So that means that the material written is subjective to the writer. It's not supposed to be fair!! lol

3. This blog is for venting purposes... I, as well as everyone else in the world, want to be heard. And since vocalizing my thoughts aren't well received, then this is the next best thing... either this or pulling a Columbine. Your choice.

Somewhat kidding about the Columbine thing.

I don't know what was to be expected from all this, (from the reader's POV), but this blog isn't really for you... it's for me. And however I choose to write it is my business. I'm protected under law by the 1st Amendment.

Also, the tone of this blog is sadistic and sarcastic, with a tiny bit of hope lying in the background. It will become more positive as the situations change; but as I stated before, that doesn't happen over night, and I have a lot on my plate to deal with.

So my best advice to you, the reader, is to not read it if you find it offensive!!!


Okay, moving on!
lol
The real topic of the day was thought processing.

I was wondering how everyone else process information.
I tend to process before I decide to do things, and just to be on the safe side, I'll have a backup plan.

But that is basic processing. I really want to know how different the thoughts you think are from what you actually say. Sometimes meanings can get lost in translation. Not often do people say exactly what they mean.

If the thought is negative, we as humans try to spare feelings by watering down the actual thought. Which can be bad if you lose your cool, because that's when your real thoughts come out.

Other people say things that they know will hurt you because they know your sensitivity level. They may not mean them, but they know it will get to you.

I personally do both, but not in the way you would expect.

I say things that I know will hurt you, but on one level or another, I mean them.

Which is probably why I have a problem believing that people only say "mean" things out of anger.

I say them when I'm angry, but I was thinking it all the time. I can't hardly think of a time where I said something out of anger, and didn't mean it.

That's super bad, right? I know. So the issue is not just controlling my anger, but controlling my thoughts.

Although the last couple of months I haven't been as angry as I was at the start of Fall to the end of November, I still had my stumbling moments.

9 times out of 10 they would've been prevented if I just followed my instincts and acted accordingly. Yeah, they would've caused some personal inconveniences, but who cares if I'm at peace?


Wednesday, I rediscovered the joy of walking. For the first time I realized that it the walking I enjoyed so much, it's the freedom of it, and more importantly it gives me the chance to connect to music the way I like. I don't even know how to explain it, but I love listening to music so much more when I'm by myself because I can really get into it the way I like to. Walking is only an inconvenience because of the problems I have with diabetic foot ulcers.


It's hard to be fiercely independent when your health is out of whack. I'm working on that as well...

Okay, so much for this blog. I'll write a little later; my mind is cluttered, and I need time to sort some things out!

Thanks for reading!

Taking the High Road...

I know on Twitter and Myspace I promised a new blog, but I got lazy!!! lol Sorry.

I have a question:
2 sets of friends, 2 different events, 1 night... how do you choose what you're going to do?

Now if they're both happening at different times during the day that's fine, but what if they're happening simultaneously? Do you try to split the time in half, or just commit yourself to one event and take a raincheck on the other? Let's throw a monkeywrench in there: what if you have someone attending the first event with you, and their intention is to stay until the end?

"They can find their own way back" is what most of your are probably thinking, but I have another approach to that thought: the driver should communicate their intentions to the rider so that the other person can make the appropriate adjustments, such as finding another ride.

This happened to me today, but the driver informed me of their plans up front. I was fine with the arrangements we made together, but what I didn't calculate into my plans was what if I wanted to stay longer??

And that's what happened.

The driver was ready to go at the time specified in our earlier conversation, and I wasn't. We were visiting at a friend's house, who lived no more than 3 minutes away (driving distance). Normally, I would've just opted to walk home, but since it's dark out, and my feet was hurting, I didn't chance it.

I kinda got a little irritated because I realized that this was going to be my life's story until I got my own set of wheels. It's really hard to depend on someone when you're used to just getting up and going when you get ready.

It's also very humbling... which is something else I need to work on.

It's hard for me to accept things that I would normally get/do for myself from others, but it's even harder to me to accept them from my family!!!

Most people's perspective on family is that you can always count on them. But mine is more "I'd rather not count on the ones whose always giving me grief!" Family tend to criticize more and are less accepting.

People who don't know you well can adapt to your changes better than the people who have known you all your life. They have you moulded into their heads a certain way, and to them, you're not supposed to deviate.

When you do, it causes conflict.

Talking about my issues with family can take a blog or two!! lol

Getting back to the topic, this is how it was resolved:

We left, and I didn't make a fuss, because that is what we agreed to. However, I know now, that I will explore all options, and take matters into my own hands. From now on, I will make sure that when it comes to going places with another person, I have more than one way to get back home... that way we can all do what we want to do with our time, and not feel pressured to stay for the rider, or the rider feeling "rushed" because the driver is ready to go.

Think fast, kid...

I don't want to use my blog to bash anyone, but it seems like my only inspiration to write is the people who brings the worst out of me...

To have someone in your life that can be caring, loving, and sympathetic is a good thing. They can wind up being your confidant, but on the flip side they can also be the one who gets under your skin in the worst of ways.

Fast-talking, pseudo-analytical, and contradictory.

Yep.

But this year is a year for change, not for them, but for me. Change doesn't happen overnight. The very ones that can criticize you for your "lack" of change when you get in conflict with them, are the very stumbling-blocks that can stop the change from happening.


What to do when you're in an argument with a fast-talker:

1. listen
2. speak softly
3. apologize
4. repeat.

I messed up when I got to 4. I didn't repeat and that caused me to lose my cool. I started shouting, using phrases like "always and never", I started criticizing, and began hinting of things that I knew of them that could bring them down. Those are my "soft defense" mechanisms, and were used because they were used against me.

The problem about that is that I can't stand people like that. I hate when you try to bring up the past and use it against me. When you use your own logic to try to prove a point; although it isn't logical to anyone else but you.

I do all of those things, and that is the part of myself I want to get rid of.

I refuse to let someone make me angry which-in turn-makes me physically ill (psoriasis flare-up, high glucose reading).

It isn't worth it. After the situation was over, I laughed, and then blogged.

Now that it's out of my mind and onto the screen, I can move forward, and not hold a grudge or be bitter. This situation only makes my goals in life more clear, and more urgent.

As my Princess told me today; it's time to start taking care of yourself!

Case Closed. :-)

Holiday Recap...

Happy New Year Everyone!

I know I haven't been keeping up with this blog the way that I should, it's just been so hectic the last few weeks...

I want to give you a recap of my holiday season...

The Christmas week was incredibly interesting! I got to help my church choir with two new songs! The slow tempo song I directed (it was my directorial debut!! lol), and the fast tempo song I accompanied my mom-figure on the keyboard! It was fun, and I realized how much of that part of my life I miss. The Christmas play was amazing, and very insightful. I also finally produced my Christmas album that's been on hold for the last 4 years!! People loved it, and I was able to donate the proceeds to the church's expense drive!

Working on the cd was a difficult process, but it was lots of fun as well.
Christmas Day was spent at my Aunt's house in Lancaster! It was a nice gathering, but I had the most fun when my Little Aunt, my cousin, her daughter and I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks! We're all 23, and mellow. We can have a good time doing things that couldn't end us up in situations we have to pray to God to get ourselves out of. I guess you can say I'm boring. I'm not interested in doing anything that could jeopardize my health... I've done that enough by myself!

Then a week later, New Year's Eve came!
Our church has a Watch Meet Service every year, and last year was the first year I spent away from church. I spent it in the hospital's psych ward instead! *A Long Story which deserves a blog of its own!!*

Even though I wasn't thrilled about attending the service, I'm really glad I did!! It was great, and just what I needed to kick off the new year! God came through and showed out for us!!

The next day, my grandmother made her Seafood Gumbo (which was bomb!), we played Wii games, and had a generally good time!

After that, things begin to get a little... strange in the house. So strange, in fact that it was decided that it would be best if I moved back in with my mother in Lancaster!!! I wish I could go into details with you, but it's too personal to share in a blog.

So here I am, in Lancaster, with my room, my music, my movies, my books, and most importantly, my bed!!! lol

This living arrangement will be a struggle, but it will teach me humility, and depending on God for the answers I seek. I'm ready for this change!!