If I've Said It Once...

Not even 24 hours later, and I'm back again!

Today I'm not feeling too well. I have been without my Humira for months now, and that medication helps control my Psoriasis outbreaks. I've been without medical insurance since June, and just a few days ago I got it reinstated!

Yesterday I picked up my Humira prescription, and since it's been outta my system for months, it was like taking it for the first time... and the first time made me feel horrible.


Anyway, I've been in my room all day. I was laying down until about 1:30pm, and ever since then, I've been on the internet (Facebook & Neopets).

I'm not in a great mood; in fact I'm pretty much still peeved about last night's events. Considering my sister was the one that informed my mother of my transportation decisions, I don't even want to look at her, let alone talk to her.

I've already made up my mind. I'm getting her back... oh am I getting her back.


So the story now picks up where both of the sisters are home from school, and I'm still in my room, keeping to myself. The youngest one knocks on my door and asks me if I have MY Wii game in my possession because the revengee wants to play it.

Here's why I'm annoyed:


If it belongs to me, and me alone, then I keep it in my possession... I don't like people touching, breathing, looking, and using my stuff without my permission.

Her purpose for coming into the room was to see if I would let her borrow the game; however she should have just gotten to the point. I'm not interested in making small talk today. I just really want to be left alone.

And since the living room is a common "free-for-all" area, I don't keep my stuff in there.

Yes, I am a control freak when it comes to my stuff! Since I can't control anything else (including my actions, and reactions to others) then I got to be able to control something.

It's not that I don't like sharing, it's just that I would rather people ask BEFORE borrowing my items.


It is 82 degrees in my room right now, and I desperately want to get out, but considering how I feel today, it's not even worth the risk of being stressed or the arguments that may break out!


That's all I wanted to say...

Think fast, kid...

I don't want to use my blog to bash anyone, but it seems like my only inspiration to write is the people who brings the worst out of me...

To have someone in your life that can be caring, loving, and sympathetic is a good thing. They can wind up being your confidant, but on the flip side they can also be the one who gets under your skin in the worst of ways.

Fast-talking, pseudo-analytical, and contradictory.

Yep.

But this year is a year for change, not for them, but for me. Change doesn't happen overnight. The very ones that can criticize you for your "lack" of change when you get in conflict with them, are the very stumbling-blocks that can stop the change from happening.


What to do when you're in an argument with a fast-talker:

1. listen
2. speak softly
3. apologize
4. repeat.

I messed up when I got to 4. I didn't repeat and that caused me to lose my cool. I started shouting, using phrases like "always and never", I started criticizing, and began hinting of things that I knew of them that could bring them down. Those are my "soft defense" mechanisms, and were used because they were used against me.

The problem about that is that I can't stand people like that. I hate when you try to bring up the past and use it against me. When you use your own logic to try to prove a point; although it isn't logical to anyone else but you.

I do all of those things, and that is the part of myself I want to get rid of.

I refuse to let someone make me angry which-in turn-makes me physically ill (psoriasis flare-up, high glucose reading).

It isn't worth it. After the situation was over, I laughed, and then blogged.

Now that it's out of my mind and onto the screen, I can move forward, and not hold a grudge or be bitter. This situation only makes my goals in life more clear, and more urgent.

As my Princess told me today; it's time to start taking care of yourself!

Case Closed. :-)

Let Sisterly Love Continue... Right?

Too many events for words! I sang backup tonight for my uncle and a couple of other performers at The Foundry in Los Angeles, and man was the music and the other vocalists bomb! Eric Parker put on this amazing show, and of course he and his band were awesome! It was a long night, and I didn't eat dinner, so I was hungry. We were supposed to eat afterward, but because of our lack of funds, we couldn't go to our favorite spot. So as we go back and forth on what the plan is, I'm not only starving, but freezing my appendages off!

With nerve damage, my feet are super sensitive to the cold, and my hands are going numb. These two sensations aren't the best feelings in the world, so I'm getting a little peeved! I'm just trying to save face because we're in public, and the night was too musically perfect for me to mess it up with a bad attitude! So I try to joke about it, which inspired more jokes from the people I was trying to give my not-so-subtle hint to.

The jokes I didn't mind so much... it was the fact that my joke wasn't taken as a hint, and if it was, then it was shrugged off as unimportant. You know that by this time I was fighting off anger! Gee Whiz!! Why is it always the people who should know better that don't take any responsibility for anyone else? The same people who want me to stay healthy don't take a proactive approach when I have to depend on them. This is why I try my best to never ask them for anything; they aren't dependable.

I know people assume I'm just an angry person for no reason, but I stay negative because the people around me are static characters in my life's story. They're supposed to be dynamic, but they aren't!

So what are your thoughts on this subject? By the way, I tried my best to not make a big deal about the whole situation, but now I'm paying the price for being in the cold for so long...I'm in a lot of pain and it could have been prevented. what am I supposed to do in a situation where I'm at the mercy of the driver? I spoke up, and yet I received no response that benefited my needs, AND WE STILL DIDN'T EAT!! (I declined eating after the incident because I was in pain, and knew that I was getting more moody!) Mind you that we're talking about an event that happened in 40 degree weather at midnight!

You can't keep me down... or can you?

Have you ever clicked a bad link on the computer, and it made your computer freeze on you.  So you try to kill the link by repeatedly clicking the "x" or close?  Then after a few tries, you get multiple error notices???  I think that's where my life is right now.

It's like sitting on a seesaw for hours at a time, the only difference is you can't get off this ride.  I'm trying to stay positive during a period in my life where nothing seems to go right, and the choices I make turns out to be a very bad one!!  I can't even help but laugh, because it's like I have the Anti-Midas Touch, because everything I touch turns to crap!!!

I'm trying to make better choices and healthier decisions, it just seems to not be coming together the way I thought it would. 

Trying to stay healthy, positive and sane can really put a toll on you! My biggest worry at the moment is finances.  Whoever said "money makes the world go 'round" wasn't kidding!  I already have money spent from a check that doesn't even exist yet! 


This latest development in my life has given me a new shirt idea...

I'll be sure to post the sketch of it later on tonight!!!


~Syx

To speak, or not to speak...

Today has been a relatively good day.  I mean, having Diabetic Neuropathy can be a pain sometimes, because you can't judge when nerve pain will strike, but other than that, a good day. But I come to find out that some people can bring the best (or worst) out in you.  My biggest issue is my sadistic sense of  humor.  I am probably the most sarcastic person I know, and I tend to be much worse considering who my audience is.

The person who brings this trait to fruition most often is the sister closest to my age. She is 3 years younger, and she has the gift of gab, which means she out talks me.  I, other hand, am a thinker first, talker second, so by the time I process a thought, she's already talked over me, which can be very frustrating as you can imagine. 

So since she out talks me, I have premeditated sarcasm stored for her in the event she pisses me off!! Now, as I've stated in my previous blog, I'm trying to turn over a new leaf and learn self-control.  But it's not easy, since I've spent the last 10+ years storing sarcasm! 

In order to stop myself from going into the same old routine, I try not to speak when I feel the urge to blurt something sarcastic and unnecessary.  Someone told me that the circumstances are not the things that change, but your outlook and attitude.  How true is that, anyway?  Will my transformation change the response of the second person?  What if  they don't realize what you're trying to accomplish?  I'm not trying to be the bigger person, I'm trying to be a better me...

Although communicating my goals should be my objective, I feel that if I slip up then it could be held against me, and I might retaliate... kind of like the way a person goes "gong-ho" on a diet, but they slip up on Thanksgiving, and they have a relapse, and their eating habits are worse than what they were before.

I know, I know: think positive!!  Instead of expecting the worst, I myself will open the lines of communication.

First way: writing a blog!!! lol

~Syx~