...I'm back...
Yeah, I know, I've been gone for an unforgivable amount of time this time; but I have things to write about now!
So, where do I begin?
I think that the best way to start this off, is to announce that I'm finally married!!!!
For over a year now...
We got married January 29, 2012, and boy has it been an interesting year and a half!
Here are some of the topics that we went through:
-SSI
-Jobs
-Friends
-Guns
-Smoking
-Fights
-Drinking
-Smoking
-Babies!
-House Hunting
-Motels
-Marital issues
and much more!
I realize that it's almost been 3 years, but there was a lot of growing up for me to do, and still a lot left... but I feel that I've matured enough to at least write about what I learned, and hopefully share a few moments of wisdom, laughter, joy, tears, and insight on a slightly charmed, always blessed, mostly truthful Gemini mind.
I also want to start sharing shirt ideas with you! And who knows, maybe a few other creative things. I don't want to limit myself to one area; I'm willing to try it all!
"Normalcy, complacency, and simplicity is for people who can't imagine anything better." -Joseph Urciaga
Dear Jillian,
This is my first attempt at writing to you. It's hard to know that you won't ever be able to read this, but this is my version of therapy. I thought of you today. I didn't know if I felt sad or lost, but it kind of put me in a trance. I wonder what it would be like if you were here. How would my mornings go? How would I entertain you? How much would my life change because you were in it? As much as it makes me sad to think of you, it also gives me peace. Now if only it would give me direction...
I love you.
-Mommy
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Showing posts with label family. Show all posts
Monday, July 8, 2013
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Anywhere But Here...
You won't even believe this crazy story I have for you today...
I just wish that it was crazy in a good way, instead of... well just tell me your thoughts:
Lately I've been feeling lonely. I get bored easily with the mundane, and without me working or going to school, there's just not enough for me to do to fill the time that I don't use sleeping.
I don't like a lot of company, but when I want it, I want it.
I asked a friend of mine to come over Monday so we can work on some music together. But before he came over, I wanted to confirm with my mother that it was ok to have company.
She said that she really didn't want me to have company, and that I was having a lot of people come through the house lately. That was a complete fallacy because the only person I had over there came over on a Saturday, and the 2 times before that, I went to their house!
Anyway, I didn't see the big deal for two reasons:
1. She always makes statements about me walking alot on my feet, and how she "disapproves".
2.She sleeps during the daytime because she works at night!
In case inquiring minds were wondering, The music we were going to work on is electronic; there would be no noise because it's all coming through headphones!
I didn't feel like arguing, and at the time I wasn't really upset, so I decided that I was just going to cancel, and hang out over another friend's house.
Meanwhile, my sisters both stay home from school Monday, and they wanted to watch movies and lounge around the house.
I said "OK" but I still was going to go through with my plans with my other friends afterward.
The middle sister wanted me to stay and cancel on them, but I told her that I didn't want to do that because i wanted to get out of the house!
So basically she cops an attitude, and after she returns home, the movies we were going to watch were still on the counter; untouched.
So I didn't know what her plans were... was she going to still watch them? was she angry, so she was going to watch them later? So I didn't ask questions because after the attitude I basically didn't care.
She comes to my room a little while later, and asks was I still going to watch the movies? I said yes, and that she just needed to tell me when she was ready...
From there we argued about whether or not I should have known to immediately go into the living room to watch the movie!
Of course since we were both irritated I declined watching the movies, and just left for my friend's house earlier than planned.
I stayed there all afternoon and evening, and then they walked me back home around midnight.
No calls from anyone asking where i was, or anything. (Not that I cared)
My friends and I decided to get up super early to take care of business at the Social Services Department. Now I'm up at the crack of dawn on my mother's bike to get my life situated. As I was pedaling, one of the pedals came off the bike, and needed a nut to keep it in place! Imagine how frustrating it is to try to steer your bike with only one pedal!
I was closer to my friend's house than mine, so I went there because I knew that they had the tools I needed. Anyway because of unforeseen circumstances we didn't make it today.
So here's where the story changes.
My friend's mom receives a text from my aunt asking if I was there and that my family was "concerned" about me! Ha! (Remember, I didn't receive ANY calls from anyone in my family within the last 20 or so hours!
Come to find out through my family's superior gossip network line that I was thought to have never came home last night because they didn't see me when they went to bed or when they woke up!
Now I BLATANTLY left clues to mark my return home... For example:
1. My room was spotless when I left; I left my pjs on my bed and dirty socks on the floor.
2. There was a Diabetic Supplement drink in the fridge, so I drank it, and left the container on the clean counters (I'm the only diabetic in the house).
3. I took my mother's bike out of the garage.
And the most important clue of all:
4. I opened the side door for the dogs, cleaned up their poop, fed them and gave them water!
Now why didn't they figure out that I was there? There was no one else there but my sisters, and they know THEY didn't do that stuff... so who did????
I swear they don't think! Even "Blue's Clues" teach you to pay attention to your surroundings! lol
All-in-all it has been a very frustrating day for me! Unnecessary drama and assumptions because of lack of communication! Yeah, it was my fault too, but I'm not going to give out info just because... If you don't ask, I won't tell.
I'm officially too through, and need to get out of this binding situation fast...
I am closely approaching insanity, and need to fix this jumbled mess of a life and make a clear path for me, and me alone.
I'm tired of people interfering with my happiness. I deal with a lot of bull on a regular basis; I all want to achieve is independence and happiness... Is that too much to ask?
I just wish that it was crazy in a good way, instead of... well just tell me your thoughts:
Lately I've been feeling lonely. I get bored easily with the mundane, and without me working or going to school, there's just not enough for me to do to fill the time that I don't use sleeping.
I don't like a lot of company, but when I want it, I want it.
I asked a friend of mine to come over Monday so we can work on some music together. But before he came over, I wanted to confirm with my mother that it was ok to have company.
She said that she really didn't want me to have company, and that I was having a lot of people come through the house lately. That was a complete fallacy because the only person I had over there came over on a Saturday, and the 2 times before that, I went to their house!
Anyway, I didn't see the big deal for two reasons:
1. She always makes statements about me walking alot on my feet, and how she "disapproves".
2.She sleeps during the daytime because she works at night!
In case inquiring minds were wondering, The music we were going to work on is electronic; there would be no noise because it's all coming through headphones!
I didn't feel like arguing, and at the time I wasn't really upset, so I decided that I was just going to cancel, and hang out over another friend's house.
Meanwhile, my sisters both stay home from school Monday, and they wanted to watch movies and lounge around the house.
I said "OK" but I still was going to go through with my plans with my other friends afterward.
The middle sister wanted me to stay and cancel on them, but I told her that I didn't want to do that because i wanted to get out of the house!
So basically she cops an attitude, and after she returns home, the movies we were going to watch were still on the counter; untouched.
So I didn't know what her plans were... was she going to still watch them? was she angry, so she was going to watch them later? So I didn't ask questions because after the attitude I basically didn't care.
She comes to my room a little while later, and asks was I still going to watch the movies? I said yes, and that she just needed to tell me when she was ready...
From there we argued about whether or not I should have known to immediately go into the living room to watch the movie!
Of course since we were both irritated I declined watching the movies, and just left for my friend's house earlier than planned.
I stayed there all afternoon and evening, and then they walked me back home around midnight.
No calls from anyone asking where i was, or anything. (Not that I cared)
My friends and I decided to get up super early to take care of business at the Social Services Department. Now I'm up at the crack of dawn on my mother's bike to get my life situated. As I was pedaling, one of the pedals came off the bike, and needed a nut to keep it in place! Imagine how frustrating it is to try to steer your bike with only one pedal!
I was closer to my friend's house than mine, so I went there because I knew that they had the tools I needed. Anyway because of unforeseen circumstances we didn't make it today.
So here's where the story changes.
My friend's mom receives a text from my aunt asking if I was there and that my family was "concerned" about me! Ha! (Remember, I didn't receive ANY calls from anyone in my family within the last 20 or so hours!
Come to find out through my family's superior gossip network line that I was thought to have never came home last night because they didn't see me when they went to bed or when they woke up!
Now I BLATANTLY left clues to mark my return home... For example:
1. My room was spotless when I left; I left my pjs on my bed and dirty socks on the floor.
2. There was a Diabetic Supplement drink in the fridge, so I drank it, and left the container on the clean counters (I'm the only diabetic in the house).
3. I took my mother's bike out of the garage.
And the most important clue of all:
4. I opened the side door for the dogs, cleaned up their poop, fed them and gave them water!
Now why didn't they figure out that I was there? There was no one else there but my sisters, and they know THEY didn't do that stuff... so who did????
I swear they don't think! Even "Blue's Clues" teach you to pay attention to your surroundings! lol
All-in-all it has been a very frustrating day for me! Unnecessary drama and assumptions because of lack of communication! Yeah, it was my fault too, but I'm not going to give out info just because... If you don't ask, I won't tell.
I'm officially too through, and need to get out of this binding situation fast...
I am closely approaching insanity, and need to fix this jumbled mess of a life and make a clear path for me, and me alone.
I'm tired of people interfering with my happiness. I deal with a lot of bull on a regular basis; I all want to achieve is independence and happiness... Is that too much to ask?
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Age Ain't Nothing But A Number...
Well, well, well.
My mind is super heavy right now; and so is my heart.
I tell you, the best way to get me motivated to move forward is to challenge my independence and freedom.
You know, realistically speaking, I don't ask for much.
I try to ask for as little as possible from the people around me for multiple reasons:
1. I have a lot of pride, and find it hard to accept handouts.
2. I don't want what they did for me to be held against me the moment we don't see eye-to-eye.
3. I really just want to be able to do for myself; it makes me feel accomplished.
But the circumstances that I face on a regular basis are not independent-friendly.
I have no income, no job, no property to call my own, and insufficient health.
It sucks when you just want to be an independent 24 year old, and don't even know where to begin.
It gets me down when I think about how I have nothing to call my own.
Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful for the people around me who are willing to take care of me, despite the fact that they barely have the means to do that, but it still isn't the same.
I have/had goals for myself, and a time frame in which to reach them, and now the time has run out, and I'm still not ahead!
Tonight a situation happened where I was at a friend's house, chillin, eating food, and making music. My friends (or extended family) live a little ways from me... especially walking distance, and it's late!
I'm not driving right now, and they don't have a car, so that means I would have had to walk home.
I get in touch with my sister, but she has school in the morning. I didn't want to keep her up waiting for me, but I wasn't ready to come home yet. So she "advises" me not to walk, and yadda, yadda, yadda.
I heard what she said, and her concerns, but I know myself, and the fact still remains that I'm grown! I may still be a dependent in the eyes of my parents, but I'm still old enough to make my own decisions!
So I hang up with her (as my chest is hurting from the stress of trying to say anything that is unnecessary), and I guess my mother tries to call me.
The problem with that is, my phone doesn't work properly; it overheats, drains the battery, and gives me my messages late... not to mention that at the moment I can't even listen to my voicemail messages!
Basically she wrote this to me:
"U should let mera pick u up asap not safe walking told u bfore lancaster full of rapist and the house breakin on our street i don't approve u staying that late that is not Carlos house and u live in mine i dont approve of it and trust me it wont happen again since u chose not to answer phone."
Is she kidding me? "It won't happen again?"
See this is a urgent Dot dOt doT Moment for me! You have no CLUE what was going through my mind.
I don't appreciate being threatened! Ever. I really don't care WHO it is.
I understand she's my mother, and I should respect her, but it's still my choice, and she has to respect that! I'm not sleeping around, I'm not on street drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have kids, and I try my best not to cause her any extra grief, but this is ridiculous!
This is the kind of stuff that makes me stressed and angry... not to mention bitter, resentful, neurotic, and mean!
I can't stand being punished for things that haven't even happened! I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not a bad kid/adult.
I'm just a product of circumstance, and I try my best everyday to cope with my issues... but my coping mechanisms are not the same as everyone else and I really don't know what to do anymore.
Sometimes it's like I'm losing my mind! At times I'm so angry, and other times I'm so depressed, I don't even wanna leave my bed, let alone my room!
But it's situations like these that makes me realize that I NEED to be on my own.
Everyone else is controlling my moves, and what they can't control, they reject. If it's not them doing the control, then it's my health, which is like struggling with a yo-yo.
This blog was intended to see my growth, and how I'm coping with life, but today was just not that day for me.
I don't like feeling angry, and truthfully, I don't even really like being mean, but it's the only way I can protect what little identity I have left, because my surroundings and my health drains everything else from me; leaving me empty.
People only judge what they see, without fully understanding what they're seeing. I don't want to let people get too close to my innermost thoughts... that's way too much ammo that can and most likely will be used against me in the near future.
I can't take that chance; that's why I keep everyone at arm's length.
I wish that it didn't have to be that way, though.
I feel more at ease getting that off my chest!
My mind is super heavy right now; and so is my heart.
I tell you, the best way to get me motivated to move forward is to challenge my independence and freedom.
You know, realistically speaking, I don't ask for much.
I try to ask for as little as possible from the people around me for multiple reasons:
1. I have a lot of pride, and find it hard to accept handouts.
2. I don't want what they did for me to be held against me the moment we don't see eye-to-eye.
3. I really just want to be able to do for myself; it makes me feel accomplished.
But the circumstances that I face on a regular basis are not independent-friendly.
I have no income, no job, no property to call my own, and insufficient health.
It sucks when you just want to be an independent 24 year old, and don't even know where to begin.
It gets me down when I think about how I have nothing to call my own.
Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful for the people around me who are willing to take care of me, despite the fact that they barely have the means to do that, but it still isn't the same.
I have/had goals for myself, and a time frame in which to reach them, and now the time has run out, and I'm still not ahead!
Tonight a situation happened where I was at a friend's house, chillin, eating food, and making music. My friends (or extended family) live a little ways from me... especially walking distance, and it's late!
I'm not driving right now, and they don't have a car, so that means I would have had to walk home.
I get in touch with my sister, but she has school in the morning. I didn't want to keep her up waiting for me, but I wasn't ready to come home yet. So she "advises" me not to walk, and yadda, yadda, yadda.
I heard what she said, and her concerns, but I know myself, and the fact still remains that I'm grown! I may still be a dependent in the eyes of my parents, but I'm still old enough to make my own decisions!
So I hang up with her (as my chest is hurting from the stress of trying to say anything that is unnecessary), and I guess my mother tries to call me.
The problem with that is, my phone doesn't work properly; it overheats, drains the battery, and gives me my messages late... not to mention that at the moment I can't even listen to my voicemail messages!
Basically she wrote this to me:
"U should let mera pick u up asap not safe walking told u bfore lancaster full of rapist and the house breakin on our street i don't approve u staying that late that is not Carlos house and u live in mine i dont approve of it and trust me it wont happen again since u chose not to answer phone."
Is she kidding me? "It won't happen again?"
See this is a urgent Dot dOt doT Moment for me! You have no CLUE what was going through my mind.
I don't appreciate being threatened! Ever. I really don't care WHO it is.
I understand she's my mother, and I should respect her, but it's still my choice, and she has to respect that! I'm not sleeping around, I'm not on street drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have kids, and I try my best not to cause her any extra grief, but this is ridiculous!
This is the kind of stuff that makes me stressed and angry... not to mention bitter, resentful, neurotic, and mean!
I can't stand being punished for things that haven't even happened! I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not a bad kid/adult.
I'm just a product of circumstance, and I try my best everyday to cope with my issues... but my coping mechanisms are not the same as everyone else and I really don't know what to do anymore.
Sometimes it's like I'm losing my mind! At times I'm so angry, and other times I'm so depressed, I don't even wanna leave my bed, let alone my room!
But it's situations like these that makes me realize that I NEED to be on my own.
Everyone else is controlling my moves, and what they can't control, they reject. If it's not them doing the control, then it's my health, which is like struggling with a yo-yo.
This blog was intended to see my growth, and how I'm coping with life, but today was just not that day for me.
I don't like feeling angry, and truthfully, I don't even really like being mean, but it's the only way I can protect what little identity I have left, because my surroundings and my health drains everything else from me; leaving me empty.
People only judge what they see, without fully understanding what they're seeing. I don't want to let people get too close to my innermost thoughts... that's way too much ammo that can and most likely will be used against me in the near future.
I can't take that chance; that's why I keep everyone at arm's length.
I wish that it didn't have to be that way, though.
I feel more at ease getting that off my chest!
Labels:
family,
health,
independence,
my thoughts,
stress
Monday, January 4, 2010
Holiday Recap...
Happy New Year Everyone!
I know I haven't been keeping up with this blog the way that I should, it's just been so hectic the last few weeks...
I want to give you a recap of my holiday season...
The Christmas week was incredibly interesting! I got to help my church choir with two new songs! The slow tempo song I directed (it was my directorial debut!! lol), and the fast tempo song I accompanied my mom-figure on the keyboard! It was fun, and I realized how much of that part of my life I miss. The Christmas play was amazing, and very insightful. I also finally produced my Christmas album that's been on hold for the last 4 years!! People loved it, and I was able to donate the proceeds to the church's expense drive!
Working on the cd was a difficult process, but it was lots of fun as well.
Christmas Day was spent at my Aunt's house in Lancaster! It was a nice gathering, but I had the most fun when my Little Aunt, my cousin, her daughter and I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks! We're all 23, and mellow. We can have a good time doing things that couldn't end us up in situations we have to pray to God to get ourselves out of. I guess you can say I'm boring. I'm not interested in doing anything that could jeopardize my health... I've done that enough by myself!
Then a week later, New Year's Eve came!
Our church has a Watch Meet Service every year, and last year was the first year I spent away from church. I spent it in the hospital's psych ward instead! *A Long Story which deserves a blog of its own!!*
Even though I wasn't thrilled about attending the service, I'm really glad I did!! It was great, and just what I needed to kick off the new year! God came through and showed out for us!!
The next day, my grandmother made her Seafood Gumbo (which was bomb!), we played Wii games, and had a generally good time!
After that, things begin to get a little... strange in the house. So strange, in fact that it was decided that it would be best if I moved back in with my mother in Lancaster!!! I wish I could go into details with you, but it's too personal to share in a blog.
So here I am, in Lancaster, with my room, my music, my movies, my books, and most importantly, my bed!!! lol
This living arrangement will be a struggle, but it will teach me humility, and depending on God for the answers I seek. I'm ready for this change!!
I know I haven't been keeping up with this blog the way that I should, it's just been so hectic the last few weeks...
I want to give you a recap of my holiday season...
The Christmas week was incredibly interesting! I got to help my church choir with two new songs! The slow tempo song I directed (it was my directorial debut!! lol), and the fast tempo song I accompanied my mom-figure on the keyboard! It was fun, and I realized how much of that part of my life I miss. The Christmas play was amazing, and very insightful. I also finally produced my Christmas album that's been on hold for the last 4 years!! People loved it, and I was able to donate the proceeds to the church's expense drive!
Working on the cd was a difficult process, but it was lots of fun as well.
Christmas Day was spent at my Aunt's house in Lancaster! It was a nice gathering, but I had the most fun when my Little Aunt, my cousin, her daughter and I went to see Alvin and the Chipmunks! We're all 23, and mellow. We can have a good time doing things that couldn't end us up in situations we have to pray to God to get ourselves out of. I guess you can say I'm boring. I'm not interested in doing anything that could jeopardize my health... I've done that enough by myself!
Then a week later, New Year's Eve came!
Our church has a Watch Meet Service every year, and last year was the first year I spent away from church. I spent it in the hospital's psych ward instead! *A Long Story which deserves a blog of its own!!*
Even though I wasn't thrilled about attending the service, I'm really glad I did!! It was great, and just what I needed to kick off the new year! God came through and showed out for us!!
The next day, my grandmother made her Seafood Gumbo (which was bomb!), we played Wii games, and had a generally good time!
After that, things begin to get a little... strange in the house. So strange, in fact that it was decided that it would be best if I moved back in with my mother in Lancaster!!! I wish I could go into details with you, but it's too personal to share in a blog.
So here I am, in Lancaster, with my room, my music, my movies, my books, and most importantly, my bed!!! lol
This living arrangement will be a struggle, but it will teach me humility, and depending on God for the answers I seek. I'm ready for this change!!
Labels:
change,
christmas,
family,
humility,
new year's
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Let Sisterly Love Continue... Right?
Too many events for words! I sang backup tonight for my uncle and a couple of other performers at The Foundry in Los Angeles, and man was the music and the other vocalists bomb! Eric Parker put on this amazing show, and of course he and his band were awesome! It was a long night, and I didn't eat dinner, so I was hungry. We were supposed to eat afterward, but because of our lack of funds, we couldn't go to our favorite spot. So as we go back and forth on what the plan is, I'm not only starving, but freezing my appendages off!
With nerve damage, my feet are super sensitive to the cold, and my hands are going numb. These two sensations aren't the best feelings in the world, so I'm getting a little peeved! I'm just trying to save face because we're in public, and the night was too musically perfect for me to mess it up with a bad attitude! So I try to joke about it, which inspired more jokes from the people I was trying to give my not-so-subtle hint to.
The jokes I didn't mind so much... it was the fact that my joke wasn't taken as a hint, and if it was, then it was shrugged off as unimportant. You know that by this time I was fighting off anger! Gee Whiz!! Why is it always the people who should know better that don't take any responsibility for anyone else? The same people who want me to stay healthy don't take a proactive approach when I have to depend on them. This is why I try my best to never ask them for anything; they aren't dependable.
I know people assume I'm just an angry person for no reason, but I stay negative because the people around me are static characters in my life's story. They're supposed to be dynamic, but they aren't!
So what are your thoughts on this subject? By the way, I tried my best to not make a big deal about the whole situation, but now I'm paying the price for being in the cold for so long...I'm in a lot of pain and it could have been prevented. what am I supposed to do in a situation where I'm at the mercy of the driver? I spoke up, and yet I received no response that benefited my needs, AND WE STILL DIDN'T EAT!! (I declined eating after the incident because I was in pain, and knew that I was getting more moody!) Mind you that we're talking about an event that happened in 40 degree weather at midnight!
With nerve damage, my feet are super sensitive to the cold, and my hands are going numb. These two sensations aren't the best feelings in the world, so I'm getting a little peeved! I'm just trying to save face because we're in public, and the night was too musically perfect for me to mess it up with a bad attitude! So I try to joke about it, which inspired more jokes from the people I was trying to give my not-so-subtle hint to.
The jokes I didn't mind so much... it was the fact that my joke wasn't taken as a hint, and if it was, then it was shrugged off as unimportant. You know that by this time I was fighting off anger! Gee Whiz!! Why is it always the people who should know better that don't take any responsibility for anyone else? The same people who want me to stay healthy don't take a proactive approach when I have to depend on them. This is why I try my best to never ask them for anything; they aren't dependable.
I know people assume I'm just an angry person for no reason, but I stay negative because the people around me are static characters in my life's story. They're supposed to be dynamic, but they aren't!
So what are your thoughts on this subject? By the way, I tried my best to not make a big deal about the whole situation, but now I'm paying the price for being in the cold for so long...I'm in a lot of pain and it could have been prevented. what am I supposed to do in a situation where I'm at the mercy of the driver? I spoke up, and yet I received no response that benefited my needs, AND WE STILL DIDN'T EAT!! (I declined eating after the incident because I was in pain, and knew that I was getting more moody!) Mind you that we're talking about an event that happened in 40 degree weather at midnight!
Labels:
courtesy,
dependancy,
DPN,
Eric Parker,
family,
freezing,
hungry,
neuropathy,
siblings
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Sticks and Stones...
At first look, I come off as assertive, aggressive, and yes maybe a little arrogant. I will not deny that at times I can be those very things, but I believe that the people that really know me will say that my persona isn't that simple.
I'm a complex individual. And even though I don't study Astrology, I have many traits that comes with the Gemini sign (June 6 is my birthday). Sensitive is one of those traits.
I try my best to lead a life where I don't need the approval of others, nor do I need assurance for whatever it is that I'm about to do. I try to rely on my instincts and God in order to make a better life for myself. That's not always possible when you have a very opinionated environment around you. The opinions of others, and their charismatic, and often pushy way of dealing with people can cause you to stray away from your own beliefs, and depending on the topic, can even deplete your confidence in not only your actions, but yourself.
I would go into more detail... but I'm too far spent, so that's all for now.
I'm a complex individual. And even though I don't study Astrology, I have many traits that comes with the Gemini sign (June 6 is my birthday). Sensitive is one of those traits.
I try my best to lead a life where I don't need the approval of others, nor do I need assurance for whatever it is that I'm about to do. I try to rely on my instincts and God in order to make a better life for myself. That's not always possible when you have a very opinionated environment around you. The opinions of others, and their charismatic, and often pushy way of dealing with people can cause you to stray away from your own beliefs, and depending on the topic, can even deplete your confidence in not only your actions, but yourself.
I would go into more detail... but I'm too far spent, so that's all for now.
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