Anywhere But Here...

You won't even believe this crazy story I have for you today...
I just wish that it was crazy in a good way, instead of... well just tell me your thoughts:


Lately I've been feeling lonely. I get bored easily with the mundane, and without me working or going to school, there's just not enough for me to do to fill the time that I don't use sleeping.

I don't like a lot of company, but when I want it, I want it.
I asked a friend of mine to come over Monday so we can work on some music together. But before he came over, I wanted to confirm with my mother that it was ok to have company.

She said that she really didn't want me to have company, and that I was having a lot of people come through the house lately. That was a complete fallacy because the only person I had over there came over on a Saturday, and the 2 times before that, I went to their house!

Anyway, I didn't see the big deal for two reasons:
1. She always makes statements about me walking alot on my feet, and how she "disapproves".
2.She sleeps during the daytime because she works at night!

In case inquiring minds were wondering, The music we were going to work on is electronic; there would be no noise because it's all coming through headphones!

I didn't feel like arguing, and at the time I wasn't really upset, so I decided that I was just going to cancel, and hang out over another friend's house.

Meanwhile, my sisters both stay home from school Monday, and they wanted to watch movies and lounge around the house.

I said "OK" but I still was going to go through with my plans with my other friends afterward.

The middle sister wanted me to stay and cancel on them, but I told her that I didn't want to do that because i wanted to get out of the house!

So basically she cops an attitude, and after she returns home, the movies we were going to watch were still on the counter; untouched.

So I didn't know what her plans were... was she going to still watch them? was she angry, so she was going to watch them later? So I didn't ask questions because after the attitude I basically didn't care.

She comes to my room a little while later, and asks was I still going to watch the movies? I said yes, and that she just needed to tell me when she was ready...

From there we argued about whether or not I should have known to immediately go into the living room to watch the movie!

Of course since we were both irritated I declined watching the movies, and just left for my friend's house earlier than planned.

I stayed there all afternoon and evening, and then they walked me back home around midnight.

No calls from anyone asking where i was, or anything. (Not that I cared)

My friends and I decided to get up super early to take care of business at the Social Services Department. Now I'm up at the crack of dawn on my mother's bike to get my life situated. As I was pedaling, one of the pedals came off the bike, and needed a nut to keep it in place! Imagine how frustrating it is to try to steer your bike with only one pedal!



I was closer to my friend's house than mine, so I went there because I knew that they had the tools I needed. Anyway because of unforeseen circumstances we didn't make it today.

So here's where the story changes.

My friend's mom receives a text from my aunt asking if I was there and that my family was "concerned" about me! Ha! (Remember, I didn't receive ANY calls from anyone in my family within the last 20 or so hours!


Come to find out through my family's superior gossip network line that I was thought to have never came home last night because they didn't see me when they went to bed or when they woke up!

Now I BLATANTLY left clues to mark my return home... For example:

1. My room was spotless when I left; I left my pjs on my bed and dirty socks on the floor.

2. There was a Diabetic Supplement drink in the fridge, so I drank it, and left the container on the clean counters (I'm the only diabetic in the house).

3. I took my mother's bike out of the garage.

And the most important clue of all:

4. I opened the side door for the dogs, cleaned up their poop, fed them and gave them water!


Now why didn't they figure out that I was there? There was no one else there but my sisters, and they know THEY didn't do that stuff... so who did????


I swear they don't think! Even "Blue's Clues" teach you to pay attention to your surroundings! lol

All-in-all it has been a very frustrating day for me! Unnecessary drama and assumptions because of lack of communication! Yeah, it was my fault too, but I'm not going to give out info just because... If you don't ask, I won't tell.


I'm officially too through, and need to get out of this binding situation fast...
I am closely approaching insanity, and need to fix this jumbled mess of a life and make a clear path for me, and me alone.

I'm tired of people interfering with my happiness. I deal with a lot of bull on a regular basis; I all want to achieve is independence and happiness... Is that too much to ask?

Age Ain't Nothing But A Number...

Well, well, well.

My mind is super heavy right now; and so is my heart.

I tell you, the best way to get me motivated to move forward is to challenge my independence and freedom.

You know, realistically speaking, I don't ask for much.
I try to ask for as little as possible from the people around me for multiple reasons:

1. I have a lot of pride, and find it hard to accept handouts.
2. I don't want what they did for me to be held against me the moment we don't see eye-to-eye.

3. I really just want to be able to do for myself; it makes me feel accomplished.


But the circumstances that I face on a regular basis are not independent-friendly.

I have no income, no job, no property to call my own, and insufficient health.

It sucks when you just want to be an independent 24 year old, and don't even know where to begin.

It gets me down when I think about how I have nothing to call my own.

Don't get me wrong; I'm grateful for the people around me who are willing to take care of me, despite the fact that they barely have the means to do that, but it still isn't the same.

I have/had goals for myself, and a time frame in which to reach them, and now the time has run out, and I'm still not ahead!


Tonight a situation happened where I was at a friend's house, chillin, eating food, and making music. My friends (or extended family) live a little ways from me... especially walking distance, and it's late!

I'm not driving right now, and they don't have a car, so that means I would have had to walk home.

I get in touch with my sister, but she has school in the morning. I didn't want to keep her up waiting for me, but I wasn't ready to come home yet. So she "advises" me not to walk, and yadda, yadda, yadda.

I heard what she said, and her concerns, but I know myself, and the fact still remains that I'm grown! I may still be a dependent in the eyes of my parents, but I'm still old enough to make my own decisions!

So I hang up with her (as my chest is hurting from the stress of trying to say anything that is unnecessary), and I guess my mother tries to call me.


The problem with that is, my phone doesn't work properly; it overheats, drains the battery, and gives me my messages late... not to mention that at the moment I can't even listen to my voicemail messages!

Basically she wrote this to me:

"U should let mera pick u up asap not safe walking told u bfore lancaster full of rapist and the house breakin on our street i don't approve u staying that late that is not Carlos house and u live in mine i dont approve of it and trust me it wont happen again since u chose not to answer phone."


Is she kidding me? "It won't happen again?"
See this is a urgent Dot dOt doT Moment for me! You have no CLUE what was going through my mind.

I don't appreciate being threatened! Ever. I really don't care WHO it is.
I understand she's my mother, and I should respect her, but it's still my choice, and she has to respect that! I'm not sleeping around, I'm not on street drugs, I'm not an alcoholic, I don't have kids, and I try my best not to cause her any extra grief, but this is ridiculous!

This is the kind of stuff that makes me stressed and angry... not to mention bitter, resentful, neurotic, and mean!

I can't stand being punished for things that haven't even happened! I'm not perfect, but I know I'm not a bad kid/adult.

I'm just a product of circumstance, and I try my best everyday to cope with my issues... but my coping mechanisms are not the same as everyone else and I really don't know what to do anymore.

Sometimes it's like I'm losing my mind! At times I'm so angry, and other times I'm so depressed, I don't even wanna leave my bed, let alone my room!

But it's situations like these that makes me realize that I NEED to be on my own.
Everyone else is controlling my moves, and what they can't control, they reject. If it's not them doing the control, then it's my health, which is like struggling with a yo-yo.

This blog was intended to see my growth, and how I'm coping with life, but today was just not that day for me.

I don't like feeling angry, and truthfully, I don't even really like being mean, but it's the only way I can protect what little identity I have left, because my surroundings and my health drains everything else from me; leaving me empty.

People only judge what they see, without fully understanding what they're seeing. I don't want to let people get too close to my innermost thoughts... that's way too much ammo that can and most likely will be used against me in the near future.

I can't take that chance; that's why I keep everyone at arm's length.

I wish that it didn't have to be that way, though.


I feel more at ease getting that off my chest!

Dear Reader...

Okay, so it's been a few days, and I really meant to post something Tuesday night, but it wasn't the right time for me... IN other words, something went down and I wasn't in the mood to blog!! lol


Before I get into today's topic, I would like to make a few things very clear to you, the reader.

Let's list them (I like lists!!)

1. Reading this blog is optional; you won't hurt my feelings if you don't read it!

2. A blog is basically an online journal. So that means that the material written is subjective to the writer. It's not supposed to be fair!! lol

3. This blog is for venting purposes... I, as well as everyone else in the world, want to be heard. And since vocalizing my thoughts aren't well received, then this is the next best thing... either this or pulling a Columbine. Your choice.

Somewhat kidding about the Columbine thing.

I don't know what was to be expected from all this, (from the reader's POV), but this blog isn't really for you... it's for me. And however I choose to write it is my business. I'm protected under law by the 1st Amendment.

Also, the tone of this blog is sadistic and sarcastic, with a tiny bit of hope lying in the background. It will become more positive as the situations change; but as I stated before, that doesn't happen over night, and I have a lot on my plate to deal with.

So my best advice to you, the reader, is to not read it if you find it offensive!!!


Okay, moving on!
lol
The real topic of the day was thought processing.

I was wondering how everyone else process information.
I tend to process before I decide to do things, and just to be on the safe side, I'll have a backup plan.

But that is basic processing. I really want to know how different the thoughts you think are from what you actually say. Sometimes meanings can get lost in translation. Not often do people say exactly what they mean.

If the thought is negative, we as humans try to spare feelings by watering down the actual thought. Which can be bad if you lose your cool, because that's when your real thoughts come out.

Other people say things that they know will hurt you because they know your sensitivity level. They may not mean them, but they know it will get to you.

I personally do both, but not in the way you would expect.

I say things that I know will hurt you, but on one level or another, I mean them.

Which is probably why I have a problem believing that people only say "mean" things out of anger.

I say them when I'm angry, but I was thinking it all the time. I can't hardly think of a time where I said something out of anger, and didn't mean it.

That's super bad, right? I know. So the issue is not just controlling my anger, but controlling my thoughts.

Although the last couple of months I haven't been as angry as I was at the start of Fall to the end of November, I still had my stumbling moments.

9 times out of 10 they would've been prevented if I just followed my instincts and acted accordingly. Yeah, they would've caused some personal inconveniences, but who cares if I'm at peace?


Wednesday, I rediscovered the joy of walking. For the first time I realized that it the walking I enjoyed so much, it's the freedom of it, and more importantly it gives me the chance to connect to music the way I like. I don't even know how to explain it, but I love listening to music so much more when I'm by myself because I can really get into it the way I like to. Walking is only an inconvenience because of the problems I have with diabetic foot ulcers.


It's hard to be fiercely independent when your health is out of whack. I'm working on that as well...

Okay, so much for this blog. I'll write a little later; my mind is cluttered, and I need time to sort some things out!

Thanks for reading!